Monday, August 18, 2008

My Baby is Starting KINDERGARTEN!!!!!!!

I cannot believe you are growing up so fast. I've always heard "they grow like weeds" but like everything else in life,I had to find out for myself.It seems like just yesterday I was bringing you home from the hospital. I was terrified to sit in the front seat. I knew your neck wasnt strong enough yet, so I held it up for over an hour on our trip home. That seems like nothing, I know-but one day you will understand.

I dressed you up like a baby doll everywhere you went and it was totally my fault that it took you so long to sleep in your own bed. I often was critisized for it, but it was me-all me. I will confess to that. I tried to let you sleep in a crib,but I convinced myself that the monitor might have a delay in it. Like you might scream and I would hear it two seconds later than when it really happened, (ha ha) so I tried to sleep in your nursery. I made a pallet on the floor and listened to everyone tell me how ridiculous I was. They didnt understand!!!!!! I didnt understand. When your father told me that he was sick of sleeping on the floor in your nursery or by himself and enough was enough, I cried and begged until he let me put the bassonette back in our room, and then I slept with one hand on you the entire night.

It's strange. Before you came into my life I was a very very hard sleeper. Now, I have trained myself to hear everything that goes on around me and I can not sleep unless it completly dark and silent.

I never ever loved anything the way that I love you. I know that no mother has ever loved anyone like they do their children, but I dont believe I knew love, PERIOD, before you entered my life.

When you were a little less than 1 year old, you got the stomach flu-which is typical. U got over it,and went and stayed at your dad's house.While there you wouldnt eat, and became very lethargic all over again.Ur father brought you back to me, and at 11:30 pm -I took you to the E.R.When they put the i.vs in you, I cried like a baby. I remember getting weak to my knees and feeling like "what have I done wrong""did I not wash her hands enough?" "did I maybe pass it along to her without even knowing I had it?". I hated see you in the pain, and I knew that you would live through it, but it being my fault weighed on my mind and I wanted to protect you from everything. My granny warned me of this when I was pregnant.She died a few months before you were born, but she told me- she said " you will never have a clear mind again" "get ready to worry your pretty lil head off and don't be surprised when Mama Bear takes over your body-everything is a threat in the mind of a new mother".Maybe it is just women in my family, I dont know-but I seriously was not the same anymore. I was a new person with a new heart and a new brain when you were brought into this earth.
Nothing is ever good enough. I never have it just right,and I drive myself mad trying to figure out how to raise you the right way.I can be doing the best that I can, but still feel like you deserve better and lie awake sometimes praying that you aren't too much like me. When you appreciate me, or tell me that "I'm the best Mommy ever" I know you have no way of knowing, but you thinking that-makes me so proud. Just like I child.And when you are proud of yourself, I study the look on your face and I remember it. It plays in my mind time and time again.You see, there are going to be times in life where I try and sheild you, and it does more harm than good. Just like I did with the baby monitor and your nursery, and letting you sleep with me.When you make a mistake or something happens that shouldnt,Im going to blame myself senselessly.I'm going to question what I could have done differently. Just like that day at the E.R. I pray that you somehow know to make this easy on me.
You are only starting kindergarten, but you are my WORLD. Your all I know, you taught me the meaning of unselfish love and you are growing up.It breaks my heart. I know what school can teach a child, both good and bad.I want to sheild you from that. I want to rest my hand on you throughout every day of your life the way I did when you slept in the bassonette. I want to quit my job and go to school with you. If you dont like it, I want to take you out and teach you myself. If someone is mean to you,I want to plot on them and make their lives miserable...but I can't do any of this. I know it sounds stupid, but thats what I WANT to do, even though I am smarter.
So if I cry the whole way to school on your first day, dont be nervous, everything is going to be okay-its just Im just so proud and I can't believe you are growing up in front of my eyes. Im going to try really hard not to call your teacher throughout the day, and walk you to class every morning untill you are 17. I cant help it.I guess its the Mama Bear in me.I bet my Granny is laughing innocently at me right now. Nothing like a good "I told you so".One day,I'll tell you so too!"
No one loves you like I do" (u heard that somewhere and said it constantly, and I believe this to be true") Your Mommy

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