Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I treated myself to Philosophy's Waffle Cone shower gel/bubble bath/shampoo after my hard day yesterday...(my legs are STILL aching from weight lifting .......I WAS DOING 110 pounds on the hip abduction-UGH) and this smells soo yummy, I was in heaven in my bathtub....or at least a bakery with bubbles! I can't find it anymore though, can't find the Lavender Cupcake anymore either. Oh,well!
But Brad Pitt doesnt work with Philosophy, and he does work with Kiehls in an effort to help those impacted by Hurrican Katrina!
I found the BEST Shampoo and Conditioner for Dry/Color Treated/Coarse hair (mine are all of the above, or beside <--- he he) Olive Fruit Oil Shampoo and Conditioner.It is by one of Nick and my own favorite brands, Kiehls. There products are reasonably priced and natural. A lil about their History: "Kiehl’s was founded as an old-world apothecary in New York’s East Village neighborhood over 150 years ago. Our unique and extensive background represents a blend of cosmetic, pharmaceutical, herbal, and medicinal knowledge developed through the generations."
Okay, so Kiehls used to be a lil ol' pharmacy, and are now LOVED by celebrities from Oprah,Madonna to John Mayer. Nick brought me home a few samples of some things I never have tried, can you believe HE brought ME samples???? Yep, he's metro! Kinda..not really.
Nick loves their shave cream and now they came out with some for women that I have to buy. I get razor burn easily!!! :( So I am exited about this. Look at the pretty packaging!!!
This brand has everything from Baby products to Pet products. I LOVE THEM! I SOOOO SWEAR BY THESE PRODUCTS, and I am a product whore. I won't usually commit to too many of them and have to try everything, but there isn't anything customized for ME that I don't like. If you have a moment, which if you are reading this, you do...GO HERE and get custom fitted for the best products for YOU!!! Then go by the counter and ask for some free samples (I used to hate when ppl did that when I worked the cosmetics counter) They actually like for you to do this.Once you use the stuff, you'll see why.
Now don't come back telling me that you hated the Hand Salve if you have oily hands, use what is RECOMMENDED for you and you can't go wrong with these folks!
"A worthwhile firm must have a purpose for its existence. Not only the everyday work-a-day purpose to earn a just profit, but beyond that, to improve in some way the quality of the community to which it is committed. Each firm-as should each person-contributes to those around it; and by dint of its day-to-day efforts, the message it thereby imparts is a revelation of the quality standard at which its life's work is conducted.”
No Animal Testing
At Kiehl's, we use the finest ingredients known to us in the formulation of our unique preparations. Kiehl's does not test - nor have we ever tested - our products on animals. We offer our customers products of the highest quality which have been tested thoroughly in laboratory environments to ensure maximum safety.
When I first thought of writing the blog, it was going to be more in depth. It was going to tell you how my employers met and the way that they started the company. Sounds boring, huh? Not if you knew my employers. I asked Greg (one of the two owners) some questions about how he and Butch came to know each other. Was it a friendship that turned professional. Did they go to high school together, and have big dreams and talk about "making it big"?
Greg looked at me and kinda smirked and said "getting kinda personal aren't you?" You'd have to be around Greg for a length of time to see how humorous this is. That is just his personality.
SO, I can't tell you how the company was started. I could, but it would not be 100% accurate, and that is not fair.
What I can tell you is how I came to work for this GREAT company. This little building filled with such incredible,loyal,noble,sometimes dysfunctional yet profound and unique people with Big personalities.
I worked as a waitress (I had a few other more "professional,clerical" jobs than that in the past) in a little dive when Nick and I first started dating. My parents had lost their home (my father lost his job,and my mother caved into drinking under the financial stress) and I asked my roommate to leave so that my parents could stay with me.Waiting tables in the a.m worked with my schedule best. I was paid cash daily and got off at 2pm. Nick was embarrassed of my "profession" and not only that was worried about Andrea and I having insurance. I was too! I looked everywhere for a normal 9-5. I have worked free-lance with Calvin Klein Fragrance (no insurance) and have worked the Cosmetics Counter for department stores (bad hours).
I had no luck finding an administrative job on my own, so I reluctantly called a Temp. Agency. They told me that they had a position. Pay wasn't excellent, but IF..that is IF, you were hired perm, the company paid ALL of your benefits. I would be an idiot not to go for an interview. I had another company that was willing to pay more per hour that I was to interview with the following week (not all benefits would be paid there). The Agent told me that she had sent many very qualified women to the first office that I had an interview with, and the owner rejected all applicants. She had no idea what he was looking for, all of the women were EXTREMELY qualified. That made me feel hopeless. These women were more qualified than I was.
I went into my interview, dressed "business casual" at the owners request. I walked into the small office and was greeted by Greg. Butch (the other owner) was out that day. Greg asked me a few questions about past employment history and availability, and within 10 minutes, I was hired. I was exited to say the least, although I did not like the idea of being a RECEPTIONIST! I felt like I would be the little person. Oh,well...means to an end. I would keep my eyes open.
My first day I was greeted by Donna and told that I was replacing her at the front,and answering calls. She was "too busy" with work to answer phones as well (not entirely true) and was made Office Manager. I laughed to myself in my head (how hard is it to manage such a small office).I had no idea what I was in for.
The phone didn't ring much that day, and I had nothing to do but stare at the walls. Greg told me he was ordering a computer for me, and Donna said out loud (now remember this) "I think this is nonsense, all she is to do is answer the phones". I think Greg wanted to give me a few more tasks and keep me occupied. Staring at the wall for hours can get monotonous.
I got to know the people in the office slowly as time went by and everyone was pleasant, but hard to read. Robin started at the same time as I did, and although our positions and personalities are very different, we became friends fast. There are only 3 women in the building. Donna was definitely not the type of woman we would do lunch with.
All of the men would have lunch together, and I think the first people that I got to know well were Ted,(who at the time hated Donna and thought I should "replace" her) Donna (who hated me, and thought I should be replaced with someone more "qualified"). (If anyone is qualified to "answer phones"-it's me. Ha Ha...much practice in high school) Robin,Frank (Butch's quiet but kind and extremely intelligent son) and Mike. Mike is the father figure to all of the Project Managers here. He is the only Senior Project Manager. In the morning he would show me pictures of family and we would drink coffee and talk (we were the first in the office then). I really warmed up to him.
For months things ran smoothly. I had a few small tasks to do each day, but the people who came in the office were delighted with me,and me with them. I started to feel like I had built relationships with the clients and some of the employees in the building. I was happy.
One Monday morning, I came to work, holding back tears.That weekend I had a traumatic experience(which I have told you about) and had to watch my mother as she was wheeled out in an ambulance. I had to make a sudden and life changing decision to kick my parents out, cut ties with them for however long needed for my daughter and my own sake. I had no where to go( when my mother was released I tried to kick them out and the police, with a sad expression told me that I had to go through the whole Eviction process to have them leave,which could take 30 days). It was best if my daughter and I left. My lease was up, so I thought long and hard about moving to New Bern with Nick.
Now I just had to wait for the owners to come in to tell them that I would not be returning the next day (notice wasn't needed with a temp agency) and that the agency would find my replacement.
TO my surprise, Butch was the only person in the office that morning when I walked in. He normally comes in later. I asked to talk with him, shut the door, had a seat, and as soon as I opened my mouth began to ball. I told him that I was leaving, and when he asked "why" ,without pride, due to the newness,hurt, and shock of the situation, I told him the entire story. His mouth dropped. Butch reminds me of Tony Soprano and at this time, I did not know he had a soft side.
He calmy told me to write down ALL of my bills and find the number for the temp agency. I did so, and he told me that I was not moving to New Bern...."that was a bad idea", since I was un-wed. He said that he wanted to keep me at the office, and that he wanted me to be independent. If I were to move with Nick, I wouldn't be. He called the Temp Agency, asked how much it would be to buy my contract (something the Agent told me she had never heard of in her 30 years of experience) and took the piece of paper to Ted, the accountant. He had me sit and wait in the office.
When he came back, he gave me a figure of what I would make and explained that it was a raise "of sorts" and that it was not much, but I could pay for Andrea and I to live without depending on anyone. He had my locks changed at the condo I lived at, and helped me get into new apartment. (my parents wouldn't leave, I was taken for all the money I had at this point). No one was to know how much I made, or what happened,accept for him,Ted,Mike, and Greg. Somehow Donna found out.
As I went into thank Greg as well (Butch of coarse called him too) I couldn't look him in the face. I just cried and cried. He said nothing.Greg is uncomfortable when he sees people cry. His wife called me later that day and told me all about her story of being a single mother until she met Greg, and that I was fortunate for this company, and that they enjoyed having me work for them. I had never spoke much to his wife before that, but after talking with her, I was so taken back. Now here is a woman who drives a Lexus hybrid, who gets to travel around the world, and owns a toy store, telling me of hard times and struggles and how I reminded her of herself once. She is actually so different than what I had pictured. Not at all a primadonna. She takes in stray cats and has the vet heal their wounds and gets them fixed. Her and Greg still go on road trips together, and love to wear running shoes. They both like to garden and have a love for The Beatles. Had she not called, I would have never known that she was once a young single mother to 4 children.4!!!
Greg understands the importance of family. He has 4 stepchildren and a daughter of his own. He feels for those who struggle, and is a constant source of support for his employees...whether it be us in the office, or the guys out in the field. He thinks about things and is a business man, with a heart...who could make more than what he makes at times ( not that he does bad)if he did business the way that many other G.C's do, but puts honesty and loyalty first. He may not be the "pep-talking" type like Mike, but he genuinely cares for all of his employees, and respects everyone as equals. I mean that........everyone! He has taught his daughter to do the same.
Over the past year or so, I have gotten to know Greg better than Butch, but I am still very thankful to both of them and hold them both on pedestals. This experience, that day, this company, these people, have made such a great impact on my life. Not only was I given a lot (probably over half bc I cried like a baby) but also I was taught more than that...about kindness, loyalty, and fellowship! I am blessed.
I have been offered other jobs, one making $10,000 more a year, but I could not picture myself working anywhere else.
Sometimes I think about it like "Am I going to be a 60 year old receptionist/administrative assistant,and what am I learning to further my career". And I am proud to say that I will stay here as long as they will keep me, and money can't buy happiness.Your "Job title" can't buy happiness, Pride..but not happiness, if what you are doing makes you happy. The people who walk through this door,everyone from the UPS driver, to Subcontractors, to Architects and Doctors make me happy, and most of them agree that if even for a brief few moments that we speak,I make them happy then too! I feel fulfilled.
"If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life"
Monday, February 23, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
I told him that I am busy with Andrea's dance schedule, and that he can meet me at Target, b/c I have to do some shopping, but I only have an hour. He said he was busy at that time and asked what other times I was availible. I said..."only in the a.m, but that is when I go to the gym. You can work out with me if you would like to! He said "what about breakfast?" I said" well I suppose a short breakfast would work, but I am very busy, and can't drive too far. I can meet you at Southpark (30 minutes for each of us) at 7:30pm tomorow. I have to be at the gym by 8:30. He said "that sounds great". He hasnt been in town in years, either he will party too hard tonight to make it, or I will cancel. I am not giving into him. Nothing would happen, but I dont need to hear him talk about"what if's" and make me feel bad, when I drive away, once again, all alone,unwed-as "the girl you wished you would have married if only she were the marrying type".
Did I mention to yall that LAST week, a guy named Jason, who I totally screwed up with (he was a country boy with a big heart,I was a city girl with way too much to do) found me on facebook (created a profile to talk to me)....only to tell me that he had been having dreams about me. He was unhappily married and he still had a box in the garage of all of our special stuff ! (movie stubbs, pics,etc)
Jason stayed in the "friend zone " with me for years. He was adorable, very masculine, but was "too sweet". HE confessed his love for me in a letter,4 years after we had been hanging out (never even kissed) . He bought me a diamond necklace and I gave it back, telling him that I couldnt accept.....and I knew he deserved better.
Well, he didnt get better. He got a cheating wife, and I am now kicking myself, as he is going to marriage couseling.
Once again........."the girl you wished you would have married " but this time "if only she were a lil bit smarter and less into herself at the time".
What is God trying to tell me here, as I go home to my Nick, the guy who thinks that I should feel "grateful" to have him?
I appreciate ALL of your $.0.2!!!!!!!!!
Did I tell y'all that Andrea told me that the kid who brought the most pennies in today got a pancake???? She wanted like $3.00 worth of pennies. I tried to give her cash and she told me that wasnt good enough. Ha!!!!!
That seems sooo unfair!!!! Really!
(He told me he did love me,very much-always had.......but we would never have the life he and Paige would, and he loved her in a different way)
I saw him at his parents house (we grew up in the same neighborhood) The Christmas he found out his stepdad had brain surgery. I brought Andrea (she was a baby) and I met Paige. Who I loved....but got a few smart remarks from (I was not invited to the wedding earlier, because of her, and who can blame her?). When Paige went to the kitchen as we were all in the game room talking, he tried to get me to talk to him,and whispered in my ear that he still loved me. Then as I was leaving,tried to kiss me...........with her in the house! WHAT NERVE! I cursed him out!
He tried to call me a year later, I cursed him out again,told him I felt sorry for Paige for meeting such a jerk, and feel blessed it wasnt me. Resentful Jade?
I havent talked to him since
He has since move to Alaska with the Navy, and they are still married. He calls our friends and asks why they let him take that LEAP? .....and always asks about me. No one knows what to say. Tell him that he was the first guy to break my heart, and that I never recovered completely. He complains that I always dated losers instead of him. He doesnt know that I always dated losers, in REPLACEMENT of him....and I was shielding myself from falling tooo hard again. Until Nick, I only dated people who I had the upper hand with!
His stepdad died and he is down for the funeral and wants to see me, badly!!! Wont quit calling my friends! What should I do? I am in a f-ed up relationship, he is married............UGH! He just wants to go to lunch before I pick up Andrea today, but isnt that WRONG!?!?!
Even though I have known him since childhood? IT sucks that marriage can put RULES on a childhood friendship, but makes sense because it became so much more to us. I havent given an answer. My bff tells me I should, just for closure for him,I had mine (so I thought) that Christmas.
I am NOT THAT GIRL, never have been-except with him....and when I begged him not to get married....that was IT for me.
I am not attending his Stepdads funeral,needless to say.
Normally,anything I recommend to her is "silly" (ex.Twilight........who got hooked? HUH?)
But she took "lil-ol me's" recomendation!
So,to all of you Blog Hoppers...... go check out her blog! She has great fashion sense. I will tell you, because she wont, that she worked fashion week with L.C from The Hills.
And thanks to her,I was turned me onto to some great music (Coconut Records and Vampire Weekend) Check out my playlist if you have never heard these fun bands!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Today I am doing the same!
The 10 unanswered prayers I am thankful for (all prayers are answered, maybe just not the way you want to hear them at the time)are as follows..........
- I prayed to Jesus that I would never have children. Thank You for giving me Andrea instead.
- Thank You for not helping Andreas father and I be together "forever".That would not have been cool.
- Thank you for not giving me the car loan I wanted a few years ago,I couldnt afford it.
- Thank you for allowing Andy to screw up our relationship the NIGHT BEFORE we signed on our house to be built.
- Thank you for my parents not getting clean when I asked, and instead waiting much later. I learned important lessons.
- Thank you for NOT letting me go into labor early because I couldnt handle it anymore. That was selfish, and thanks to you,Andrea was and is very healthy!
- Thank you for some reason (that I dont know yet) for the condo that I wanted getting sold right under my nose....maybe I am not ready yet or something better is out there.
- Thank you for letting my Altima burn to the ground off the interstate (and for Andrea not being in the car). I saw that there are good people who like to help out there, and I got a better car because of it!
- Thank you for not saving my parents house, once again-good lesson learned.
- Thank you for taking my Granny to be with you in Heaven. She would be worried sick today, and I know she is happier with you!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
of national television because of some people I just met, insulting me, blaming me for their own lack of talent and drive, sitting around moping and complaining and pointing fingers and wasting time, drove me to my melting point after HOURS/DAYS of trying to pull everything together with a smile on my face…
These people called me “Satan” yelled at me and blamed me for things that never happened ALL ON NATIONAL TELEVISION
. It was humiliating.
TO me,Gender and Race and Religion are all very different.
Race and Religion do not make anyone any less capable or more capable (even though it looks different in the NBA-YEAH-I SAID IT!)than anyone else.
Women are created differently than men, and while MOST of us are less capable physically,(I do know a girl named Trina that "lookalikeman" who I would not put Nick up against. Nicks a pretty solid dude) we are not any less intelligent or capable in the office, and if we were YEARS ago, it is the same with blacks, we were held back quite a bit. I think ALL OF THESE YEARS later, we have all proved that we are intelligent,willing,able,bodies who can succeed and should be paid the same wages and given the same respect in the workforce. I WANT to be a single mom for now, so I shouldn't bitch, but I also think that if I date a man, although I show him I AM CAPABLE and INDEPENDENT enough to take care of myself, he should want to take care of me. It's kinda like "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" with the person you love. I do what I am naturally good at doing, created to do (take care of children, nurture you and them, clean and cook and shop) and if I feel like working for some extra cash and watching football, then you should support me. I have a right to my own body and should be treated w the UTMOST respect b/c you love me! Same goes for you, you work, you fix things, you take care of the financial stresses,I'll have dinner ready and the children will be happy and taken care of (of coarse you will be there for them too) and if you want to watch a chick flick,get a manicure, or garden with me-I wont call you a FAG. (MANLINER and skinny jeans are a noooo though).
I agree with ALL of you, 100%........ and I dont back down from a chance to debate....(so "unfeminine" of me) .
Unless you believe that you were supposed to be born a man, not a women, and there was a mistake, or you just like being less female than the rest of us.......keep your mouth shut! Because UNLIKE Martin Luther Kings dream, this burning bra B.S, FOR THE MOST PART, (not all of it!!!!) blew up in our face. Thanks to all of you Ugly Betty's who couldn't get a date and needed to support yourself, or to all of you "Girls who dreamed of being a lumber jack", now becoming a lesbian looks more appealing than ever(accept when it comes to "making biscuits-ahem-ahem" I have a permanent headache!-if you know what I mean!), because then I will have a partner to share the load with (and clothes). She will work,cook,clean,take care of children and bills....etc!
Equal Rights My ASS.......people just like to "buck the system"
.......and no.....Many WNBA players arent AS good as most of the NBA players........and Ru Paul didn't get as far as Cindy Crawford did. Boo hoo!
Today isn't Tuesday, no tirading about here!
My playlist ROCKS!!!!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
So today I am going to bitch about a few things that annoy me, since not one particular thing came up.....but from now on, I'll save my one biggest annoyance for Tuesday. Ill even write about and draft it , then post on Tuesday-and then promise to throw it out of my head
. I used to hear "if you prayed more than you complained, you'd have less to complain about". I'll complain on Tuesdays...pray the other times.
I want to hear your one, or many Tuesdays Tirade, too!
Here goes.........................Get ready...............Okay,wait......(takes deep breath)......READY?GO!!!!!
Donna Downer (who is out sick today...WHOOT WHOOT!
Teary Ted (he is the accountant with the mail order bride.All bark-no bite! He cries a lot!)
Menstrual Cramps (know some of you girls love 'em ) Especially the ones that hurt all the way to your anus.Whats up with that????
The fact that these aren't tirades yet really annoyances (tirades are outbursts...can I yell my ANNOYANCES TO MAKE THEM TIRADES?)
Okay, and here is my TIRADE, THEN!!!!!!! I AM PISSED OFF AT FEMINISTS. THAT IS SOME BULLSHIT! I DON'T WANT YOUR SO CALLED "EQUAL RIGHTS". THEY AREN'T EQUAL AT ALL!!!!GOD DIDN'T INTEND FOR IT TO BE LIKE THAT, AND YOU ASKED FOR IT, SO NOW HE IS LIKE-"AH-HAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!" HE WANTED US TO WEAR SKIRTS AND BE SUBMISSIVE TO OUR HUSBANDS ( ugh,that would be hard). HE WANTED US TO STAY AT HOME WITH OUR CHILDREN. BEING SUBMISSIVE TO YOUR HUSBAND ISN'T ALL THAT BAD, IF HE ISN'T A DOUCHEBAG! IF FOLLOWS THE LORDS WORD,THEN YOU HAVE LESS THINKING TO DO, AND LESS STRESS, AND YOU JUST LISTEN TO WHAT HE TELLS YOU TO DO BECAUSE YOU CAN TRUST HIM, BECAUSE YOU TRUST THE LORD, WHO HAS PROMISED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. THIS MAN PROMISES TO DO WHAT THE LORD TELLS HIM TO DO. HE HAS TO THINK AND STRESS,AND WORK. SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DEAL TO ME. I MEAN "YEAH, HE COULD GO CHEAT,AND YOU WOULD BE AT HOME LONELY,OR BEAT YOU". BUT IF HE FOLLOWS THE WORD (correct word) OF THE LORD,HE WONT ,AND.....WELL, LADIES THAT STILL COULD HAPPEN ANYWAY. NOW I JUST HAVE TO WORK 40 HOURS A WEEK, SPEND LESS TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER,FIGHT IN COURT WITH MY DAUGHTERS FATHER,WORRY OVER BILLS, STILL DO ALL THE COOKING AND CLEANING, AND THERE ARE MORE CLOTHES TO CHOOSE FROM (I love clothes but less decision on skirts vs pants could be made up with.....jewlery,bags)..........AND ON TOP OF THAT,CHIVALRY DIED WHEN WOMEN STOPPED DEMANDING IT (and some hags actually bitched about it ..."I can get my own door".) HA, I CAN'T GET MY OWN DOOR!!!!!!!!...... You better get that thang for me!!! And pull out my seat while your at it too! Fools!!!! These women ruined it for the rest of us. I am not even gonna tell you why I think these vindictive women did it, but I will say "thanks,HATERS!!!
And part of my situation is my fault for not following the Lord's word too. Okay, I admit it!
Dont you love the fact that I used caps and then didnt ,so sloppily? I knew ya would :D
That was not a very Christian sounding post was it? I am sorry,Lord.
I FOUND IT Thanks to Elizabeth.... @ Mylivesignature.com
Off to piddle with this for a bit! ;-)
I can't help but to love you, even though I want so badly not to. I cant help but dream that one day you will transform yourself into the cookie cutter image that I have often imagined you as.
One thing that I have learned from being a parent is that just because you become one, it doesn't automatically make you perfect. You still grow and mature. You still have moments of weakness and times when you are ashamed of yourself. Your children should never know that, but one day...if you are honest, they will learn to that you are not perfect, but that you strive to be as close as you possibly can...for them.
When I quit wanting it, when I give up, when I think that it no longer matters because she knows the truth, that will be the day that someone needs to sit me down and have a heart to heart with me.When I lose my fight all together, when I give in, just because its too hard...that will be the saddest day of my life.I have settled for less before,I have learned the art of winning by losing, just as long as she never has to feel aftermath of it.
I know I am not perfect.Yes, I have "partied"...in my younger years. I was honest with you about it, and it was a STUPID/rebellious faze.Never an addiction. I never sought it for comfort.You may think that I am condemning you, but that is truly your own conviction. I have witnessed you at your best, so you have no one to blame but yourself, because I know it is possible.
I talked my head off, and lectured til I was blue in the face...and never could make sense of why it never sank in.It's because I was not talking to YOU, I was talking to something bigger and more powerful than you, and I am not familiar with it.
You're right, I'm no better than the next person, and one day I will have my cross to bare, but I know what it is to love from the bottom of my soul. I know what it is to love someone else so much that I do without when I have to for this person.When I get stressed,I take a few deep breaths and keep moving, because this person counts on me and needs me-No Excuses!!!I have no time to lie around and dwell in my self pity, just because I lie still, doesn't mean life does.
So you can throw the "you think you're better than everybody" card if you wish. I don't for a minute. I do however feel as though life is not a sprint, its a marathon, and while it is too hard to play catch up for you, others lift their chins up and do it, they play catch up proud, while some are trying to keep pace and others are in the lead.I would carry you across in a minute, even if that meant I was falling behind, and you know it, but not if you are pretending or have convinced yourself you are dead weight.
I live my life keeping pace, but dreaming of being in the lead. Not for the LOVE OF MONEY, because I know how that can let you down from the both of you! But FOR MY DAUGHTER!
Some don't believe I should forgive, those are the people who have never experienced things such as this.I can't help but to love you, its rooted in me deeply, and that's why I have to do the best I can for my child, even if I'm too tired.
Just because your children grow up, it doesn't mean you stop being a parent. And sometimes it is too late. It's not too late for me to love you,I'll always do that, but it is too late for me to ever want to lean on you, it's too late for me to ever completely trust you, and its too late for me to work at this relationship.All I can do is wish you well, and hope that I don't get that call one day.Sounds funny, huh-sounds like what you once said to me.
Once again Ill say it...as I have too many times. I sincerely Thank you, because I never knew the strength I had until this happened. Thank you because I no longer judge someone on what they have but on who they are. Thank you because I now understand that everyone has a story to tell, and thank you because I will never be taken advantage of in such a way ever again.This has humbled me in so many ways but has given me a type of pride I can be proud of, and the sad thing about it is that I still have so much work that needs to be done inwardly-but had you not done this, I would have never known.
<-----Great video,song for this or bad breakup! My parents went to treatment and are getting their lives back together. They live much more modestly now than they did, but losing EVERYTHING is hard, and addiction will do that. They never saw it coming. I didnt know to look. I am told, and hope, that they have not relapsed. My father works a very modest job and I think he likes the fact there isnt as much pressure,and that my mother isnt working. she is happier too. They dont have the nice things they used to, and since $ doesnt motivate them anymore, sobriety does, they rekindled an old flame, and are getting back to what is important, and they dont look for a quick fix if something goes wrong (that I know of) We dont speak as often as we did before they started using, and it took me almost a year to forgive them. But my therapist has helped with that, and I cant keep punishing someone for something they have punished themselves enough for. All I can do is be careful,a nd feel blessed that my daughter didnt witness anything, like I had to. This has motivated me in so many ways, and opened my eyes. I tell them I love them and are proud of them often, (usually via text w my dad) because they need to hear it. I need to say it!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Anyways back to the story. I told Andrea she had a surprise. Her surprise was that we were going to my friend Vicki's house. When we pulled up to the house,she was ecstatic! Kasey (Vicki's Dog, was too). Vicki made Andrea,Sti(her husband) and I Veggie Manicotti (shes been a vegetarian, just like my other Vicki for 30 years) and we drank red wine (me only one glass, I had to srive, and I dont really drink in front of Andrea unless we are at the dinner table for occasions) and had mini cheese-cakes. Andrea doesnt like cheesecakes, but was so in awe of Vicki, that she gulped hers down. Her and Vicky were like kindred spirits, talking about Sonny and Cher (Andrea's idols....I'm sure I have told you how upset she was when SHE found out Sonny " ran into a tree".. "Mommy, why was he running so fast? Why didnt he run around it?")...and Vicki's amazing house (Sti works for ahigh-end European commerical company)
and all kinds of things. I sat back with Sti and watched the two of them with a tender heart, and almost teary eyes. I know how Andrea felt, because I felt the same way when I met Vicki.
I dated her son for a short period of time after Andrea's father and I broke up. Andrea was just a toddler, and the need to find somone , now that he had found THREE caught up with me. Her son and I were good friends, but we had different goals in life. He wanted to party, I didnt-AT ALL! At that point, I was scared to drink ONE beer. He would irratate me (like most men do) and I would sit out on the back porch and talk to his mother. We got along so well. I understood her sense of humor,and she understood mine.
When we broke up, she yelled at him. He was so upset that he refused to talk to her. She told me it was a pitty that he didnt see what was under his nose. I broke up with him on Mothers Day, because not only was I at my wits end with his partying, he not only didnt even get me a card, he didnt get one for his Mother. I couldnt handle that.
After that, her and her husband would come visit me (sometimes together or seperate) at the REsteraunt where I worked, and I still got invited for all holidays, (although I only showed up after it calmed down). Vicki has been a Mother away from my Mother, and seeing Andrea love her soooo much, was amazing to me. You just cant help it. She isnt fancy, she isnt a diva, she isnt rich, she is just a Vicki, and something about that makes her charming and goodhearted. I wish I could explain it.
I've known so many Vicki's and only two of them were older than me, both were very important in my life!
Little by little you will get to know THE WONDERFUL people in my life, like Andrea,Heather,Amy and Vicki-and not so wonderful like Donna,Allison, (ha ha-Im sure she isnt ALL bad )and so on.
So, I am decorating and organizing my apartment (they were condo's and I can paint them) however I want.
Part of what I want is a cool computer desk (have to buy a new computer. Ibooks are a Bitch to fix,very expensive) and then a new computer desk. I already have my important papers organized, but not in the stylish,chic, fancy way OfficeMax is making me want to do. Am I a nerd who needs to get a life, or slowly maturing into a domesticated,scrapbooking,cupcake making,walk taking, price cutting,sleep hogging,over planning,organized Diva? If so, this is change I am welcoming with age.Whooo-hoo
Now, quit thinking about what a dork I am and watch this quick( realy quick) commercial/video...and tell me if OfficeMax doesnt brainwash you too! Oh, and I really like her sweater. Very Anthropologie!
You might need QuickTime! Peace :)
My motivation however is my friend Abby. Yes, AbbyNormal. She went from a lot larger than me,to a size smaller than me with ZERO percent body fat, just lean muscle. Makes me sick. She JUST had to ge dressed in front of me. I hate her. She weighs nothing. I don't worry about my weight, but she was BIGGER! No matter how toned I get, I can do nothing about my love handles and belly fat. It looks flat, but lets put it this way...I cant wear bkinis with jewls or rings on the side (the fat will buldge right there)and if I sit down, fat hangs over on my belly a just lil. I know, I know, who cares????? When you get undressed next to one of your Best friends who used to be walk with a waddle, wear garnny bras, and big sweatshirts EVERYWHERE(I loved her anyways) and you have a lil of all that in ur abdomen, you feel kinda like"geez....maybe I should step it up a notch".
She is addicted to diet pills. Really ADDICTED. I'll take Stacker 3's before I got to the gym sometimes, but that is about as harsh as I can go. I took them before my doctor prescribed me medication for other stuff. She takes Redline to work out at the gym, and then lipo-6 when she goes to work (she is a nurse, kinda) for energy! She smokes a pack a day, rarely eats (and when she does it is ritz crackers and cottage cheese). And runs for 45 minutes on the treadmill 4 times a week (and tans and whitens her teeth DAILY too) ALL in the name of vanity.
I decided to go to the gym with her, and I took one of those Redline things, I was fine, but as soon as my heartrate went up on the treadmill, I started sweating and gagging. Instant nausea. I had to keep running to the bathroom to dryheave, everytime I would get into a set of reps for arms or anything(needless to say I gave up on the treadmill after 10 minutes).What the HELL ???that was Terrible!That stuff was like crack in pill form. This girl has never taken a street drug in her life (I can say I have not smoked crack or done heroine, but experimented with a few things before Andrea) and she was just mosying along the gym like everything was okay. She would try to teach me something new on a machine (which I knew most of what she taught me, but did learn some great moves) and I would feel like CRAP when my heartrate went up! YUK!She though I was just a wuss,whatever!
I just wanted to go home.
I got to the house and Nick asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I took a shower,felt better and so went to to Red Bowl. I had sushi, he had steak. He ordered us drinks. I had two Martinis...and I dont know WHAT was in them, or if it was that stupid crack pill she gave me, but I was DRUNK, and not nice. He wanted to talk about $,loans and stuff, and that would be cool, but I could not think of answers, so I'd get rude, not noticing I was loud, and then I'd say something like "nosy pricks need to mind their business", is it that fairy behind us that is staring?" when he would tell me someone was staring. He paid the bill,escorted me out, in my very elegant, high waisted, double belted (patent) blk and grey wool (they are sooo nice)pants and blk casmere wrap sweater, with blk patent heels...talkng like a redneck from Gastonia who wore chic jeans and drove a 1982 IRock.
I argued with him about going to the $ store (????) which was closed, but I still wanted to go, and then I passed out in the car.
He put me to bed, kissed me on my forehead and said "I always get the best of you, dont I"
The next morning I felt so bad.
I NEVER get drunk. I like to have a drink or two...a lot! But on diff days. When I did get drunk, I was usually nice! What the heck happened? There was my Valentines Day.
Friday, February 13, 2009
For Valentines Day I gave her a $50 to Books A Million (I bought a book for $13 on it too though, Bad MAMA).
She is reading soooo good! Today was her first Valentines Day Party at school and she was sooo exited. I dont buy holiday clothes. I wouldnt wear them, so neither does she...but I felt bad because all of the lil girls had hearts on their clothes. C'mon now,JADE! HEARTS can be worn anytime of year! I should have searched through her entire wardrobe for some hearts..but I was DRAINED.
She wanted to give the cards that she thought were "ugly" to the people who acted "ugly" and we had a talk about that.She never calls anyone ugly.I always tell her to say ONE good thing to herself about anyone who makes her mad (I dont do that). Like "Savanah gets on my nerves. She tried to boss me" I say " why? That wasn't nice....what is something we like about Savanah?"
It does more good than you think.
She is sooo smart though! I think I have taught her well. Even though she couldnt find the list of names of peeps in her class, I asked questions about people and she answered to give me names. Like " who has the longest hair" "who is the best reader" "who sits closet to the teacher, who sits beside her?" and she remembered names. Nick helped her as I got up to use the restroom and I heard her say "we don't refer to people by color".OMG! He was innocently asking "do you have any black girls in your class? (of coarse she does) to help her come up with more names. I taught her that rule (even though NO one uses it, no matter what color you are, you refer to other ppl by color,PIGMENTATION.....which I think is stupid, but then again -so would be refering to them by hair color too, in some people's eyes) It just made me happy that she thinks like that.
Last night, she told me " I know you are always there for me" when I told her that she had nothing to be scared of when she heard a noise.SHE IS 5...and be angelic because of Vday,probably...but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I have a Donna Downer(who reminds me, but is much worse and uglier and older than Angela from The Office) I work with, and I really love and have love for all mankind, but if something terrible were to EVER happen to her...well, lets say that I am HUMAN, so not completely "good" you self-righteous ladies out there...and I would have to talk to God a LOT about making me feel sad! Because I would want to throw a party. I watched a movie about a woman murdering someone she worked with for a promotion, now that is stupid. But for a minute there, I didn't it would be so terrible if she were annoying. I wont ever go to that extreme, but I'd like to see a movie about it!
Donna drives me NUTZ! Even more so than Nick, because from DAY 1, she rubbed me the wrong way. Everything she does is S__L___O___W and deliberate. She is like 50 and never pee's. She is very very frugal(she told me when I first started to staple scrap paper together instead of using post-its to cut cost...and we got in an argument over a NOTEBOOK), and never makes a mistake , and she is an instigator,a tattle tale, and above all, she brags....about nothing (her Administrative Association Meetings).
She's never had children, and her husband sounds like he carries a purse (must to marry her). She has a higher *position* in the company than I do, but I make a $1 less than her (if we were to measure it by hourly pay) and I don't do anything. NEWSFLASH, neither does SHE! They keep her there because these men don't want to file, and do invoices. Guess what? I FILE, she does invoices. I ANSWER THE PHONES, because...............after 7 years , the complaints were sooooooo high about her dry,rude,persnickety personality, that my WONDERFUL boss told her that he wanted to give her a promotion (not to hurt her feelings) and hired ME to get her out of the public view. NOW no one is supposed to see her...BUT ME! I took her old position, (she does the same thing, just less now-thanks to me) and Got an office, and a new title (OFFICE MANAGER) and a $.25 raise. WOW! But she thought she owned me, and resents me because not only am I CAPABLE of doing her job, I make almost as much as her, and she has been here 7 years! My boss finally told her that she "just trained me and is NOT my BOSS/Supervisor, and to leave me alone", after I cursed her out. I asked him if I could do invoices and he said "that's the only damn thing Donna has to do all day". I said "well, I just answer the phone, file the insurance and do the mail, and in my spare time play on the Internet" He said "that's okay. No one else here can answer the phone, they all have personality defects, but are good at their JOBS, you cant do accounting, and The Accountant would run everyone off". I said" well DOnna and Ted (the accountant who bought his bride online from Asia, looks like Uncle Fester, has a HUGE Moose KNUCKLE, drives a Bug,and listens to asian music (even though he is white) give me the stink eye when I do nothing. He said "they don't sign your checks, just DON'T argue with them again or I'll have to do something, ignore them due to seniority, and look at the source" SO I have been. But Donna is making me want to flip!!!!!!!!!!
She doesn't go to lunch unless I come in two minutes late(rarely) so she can complain. On snow days when NO ONE accept her and like one other person comes, SHE DOES, and then complains to my Boss "she was the only person who didnt come in yesterday" IN FRONT OF ME... (and I talked to everyone else,and know they didnt either!,HE told me not to come because school was out for Andrea. Then she says"you have a job to do" . No BITCH , you have a job to do....it's called "GETTING THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE and shutting up". Ugh...she drives me crazy!
I have been here 2 years, and I get more Christmas presents from the Subs than she does. You wanna know what her first assignment for me here was on my 2nd day? "Write a job description of everything I told you, in case you dont work out to make my load easier".
And who wears navy blue shoes and pants anymore? GrOSS!
I want to do more work, I am more qualified than this, but dont have the degree to prove it, and the pay here is way too good to pass up (plus, Im not risking anything with this economy) but it doesnt make it any easier to deal with. UGH!
No matter what I do with myself (even if I did what he suggested) he criticizes.
He moved down here (5 hours away) to be with me, and I can't just kick him out. I don't know if that is what I want to do anyways.He has no one down here but me...and he drives me NUTS w his negativness. He is constantly by my side, and I know most women would want that, but I like a lil alone time.
Right now,I'd rather be alone.
I asked him to go visit his family. He said not this weekend. I WANT THE HOUSE TO MYSELF, just to clear my head and visit w my best friend...ME!
There is no other man...THANK GOD! As shitty as this sounds, if you are not an asset, you are a liability. I can do it on my own (proven), so if I have to WEDGE you into my schedule, in the future, I'm getting something extraordinary out of it. Take that as you wish.You have to genuinly LOVE my daugter. I don't need you to be her father,(she has one) but you need to be a "father figure" to her if you want to be in the PICTURE! I am not depleting my bank account. I am not wasting My time worrying over where you are, or listening to lies and am not missing out on my family and friends.
My friend is having a crisis, I am going to stay at her house, NOT PARTY (because I look rough) and then I can have some free time. He is mad. What's new?
Going to the clubs was great. We thought about our outfits. How much to eat so we would get drunk, but not sick. All of this on the way INTO the club, passing everyone we didn't know by. A lot of the crackheads sat at the bustops, we knew that, but that was there problem.
Going back a few years later I had a different outlook.
I was bartending a double on NEW YEARS EVE, and Andrea was at her Dad's. I would have gone out, and my roommate and I talked about it all day at work. At the end of my shift a big party was leaving and they had TRAYS AND TRAYS and tables of UNTOUCHED COVERED, catered food. Good food too! The most well known and trendy/yuppies and artsy's go to this one BBQ restaurant. It's nice, not too cheap, and has the best mac and cheese in town. The party was for a football player, and his groupies were -I Guess- not as hungry as he expected. I was closing, (we closed early that night) and everyone was in a hurry to leave and go downtown. I was stuck deciding whether or not to throw the food away. My boss said "take it home and freeze it". When I got home, I froze as much as I could, (I was a struggling single mother) but still had 15 jumbo trays of food, that were never TOUCHED. Ribs,Greenbeans,BBQ Chicken,Baked Beans, and Mac and Cheese. I didn't want to throw it out, but what should I do?
My dad told me to give it to homeless people, but then took it back. He didnt want me to get hurt.
When my roommate came in, she decided that she didnt want to party after all, she was beat. She said that we should def take the food to homeless people.
We thought they would be downtown under bridges, or on street corners. But wouldnt that be wasteful to hand one man a tray? So we brought paper plates and utensils.
WE couldnt find any homeless people under bridges, or on corners. WE almost gave up to have a drink at Red Rocks ( a bar downtown ) after we drove up and down those same streets over and over again. Not able to find a homeless person.
When we got out of our car there was a HUGE parking attendent with an afro that said "Y'alls car smells good,blah blah blah" We told him what we planned and he said "you came too late, the homeless people hang out until the shelters cut off time. If they arent in there by a certain time,they sleep in the cold. But you give me a plate, and I will chaperon you down the streets here they hang out the most, and get another attendant to cover me" We were thrilled!
He introduced us to some of them, who then told their friends,who then told their friends. We woke up some who were sleeping,and some shoo'ed us away for fear of being poisoned. But not ONE of them was ungrateful. Not one. Kristin brought blankets, and I brought some pillows for people (last minute we thought it was a good idea) and she gave a young girl her coat. We ran out of plates, and Red Rocks was more than happy not to only give us more, but to supply a HUGE tea urn of tea and cups. So many people told us there stories. Some were addicted to drugs, or mentally ill, but some just got sick of being in the "system" or were professional people who lost everything. One woman said to me" I had a family, who died in a car accident. I survived..but not mentally.As you can see" .Another man said " I was a professor of Literature,with a drinking problem and in debt. A lot of us are one paycheck from where I am".
When we drove away that night, we saw more white "to-go" boxes than you could believe. It was like confetti, and so many people smiling and talking, and looking for their friends to share with.
It opened my eyes, These people were always there, we just didnt notice them the whole time we were driving up and down the streets, now...how could we not.
I have been thinking about how good the human race “can be”. I have told you this before, but I believe there to be NO FLAT characters (all bad, all good).The human heart has so many facets, emotions, and feelings, it can’t be just one. No one has only ONE emotion, that is why I hate hearing anyone talk about someone’s reputation as though it is FACT (we all do it). Okay.....off subject, (when is my Concerta gonna kick in?)
I was taught in Sunday school to “do good deeds, but not brag about them. Instead of receiving your reward in Heaven, bragging rights will be the only reward you get”. I understand this and believe humility to be incredibly important…..especially for the person who only does good deeds for a reward. Whether it is in heaven or on earth. After all, good deeds aren’t enough to make it inside the Pearly Gates. So for many celebrities and politicians who plant trees and go to feed children in foreign countries…The DEED was needed and appreciated by Humans, and I don’t know their hearts, but if it was for publicity, then I was taught, publicity is their only reward. Maybe they are okay with that.
In the next Blog, I am going to “share” not brag about a good deed that meant a lot to me. Not because I want you all to think I am a Mother Teresa, but because, while I would love getting rewards in Heaven (as if being in Heaven, wasn’t enough) I received my reward that day, in my heart. I encourage you to do the same. Please, post a comment, telling what the deed was. Then share the joy of what giving to others meant to you, in your blog. What lessons did you learn, has it changed your point of view, life, anything, and if so, HOW? Then try to encourage others to do the same. I hope this gets more response than any blog about Jessica Simpson’s weight gain, or new burp cloths on BlogSpot. We’ll see. Not for my own personal benefit, (I am sure my next posts will delight and disappoint if I have buckets of readers) All that I am getting is a comment; WE are spreading an experience and a way to give back! We have all been blessed, please pay it forward. Let the chain game (GANG) begin!
After reading (actually listening to the Audio Book, on a long trip alone) to the Secret, I studied up on how each religion has these theories. The Secret used ALL religions in the book, to make it seem okay,and I guess if you are not loyal to ONE particular religion, it is.( Christianity teaches that Jesus said "either you are FOR ME, or against me")
Many people, no matter what religion they are apply certain points of the book, and some of the same lessons.This is what they are. Think positive, positive things happen (science describes this as law of attraction), "give without ever expecting anything in return" (I don't remember the Secret talking too much about this now that I think about it, it appealed more to our selfish side of "getting") and obedience, and discipline.(The Secret mentions NOTHING OF THOSE)
Here are some of my favorite quotes that I found along the way of my research.
"That Consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. We are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow, we get what we give, and we pull in what we put out.These things I know for sure." - Madonna (who is Jewish, well, if you call it that. Kaballah is a part of the Jewish religion. My friend Mordecai can help me more with that)
"We become what we think about all day long"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
NOW THIS ONE IS VERY IMPORTANT, and I will use it in my next post!
"If you knew what I know about the power of giving, you would not let a single meal pass without sharing it in some way". -Buddha ( this actually DOES tie together)
"We are Shaped by our thoughts,we become what we think about all day"-Buddha
"The thought manifests as the word;The word manifests as the deed;The deed develops into habit;And habit hardens into character;So watch the thought and its ways with care,And let it spring from love Born out of concern for all beings…As the shadow follows the body,As we think, so we become." Buddha,Dhammapada
"Be Yourself Beautiful, and you will find the world full of beauty" Muslim quote
"So evil must be cut off at it's root,which is when it is simply a thought that crosses the mind, from which all the other things follow on-Imam abu Hamid al-Ghaszzali
And last but personally not least,here are some Christian quotes about positive thinking and Faith:
Doubt springs from the mind. Faith is the daughter of the soul. -- J. Pete Senn
The problem that I had was that The Secret tells you to "think things into existence" and we as Christians,we believe that if you have Faith and it is God's will, you will have your hearts desires. My problem with the Secret, was that there was no deciphering good vs. evil, just selfishness. Nothing is wrong with money(it's GREED that is bad),love,and tangible items. Nothing is wrong with wanting a family, happiness and nice things. But, when there is no faith,accept in yourself, and self-seeking pleasure without self-sacrifice or discipline for a greater cause, then this seems quite wrong, and may could say it IS quite good enough for Satan himself (after all, he doesn't care what you believe, as long as you do not Follow Christ). All RELIGIONS that I have listed AT least talk about GIVING to others, and even though I am a Christian, I do have respect for other religions, based on the fact that they usually greater good, and that ANY religion (even Christianity) can be misconstrued by a group of wrong people, teaching out of selfishness and taking things out of context.
I am just sick of hearing about The Secret! The Golden Rule makes sense, but really.........how feeble minded can we be?
I threw my cd's out of the window.
Christianity is not a theory or speculation, but a life; not a philosophy of life, but a living presence. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge