Saturday, February 13, 2010

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Holding a Baby

I held my best friends newborn baby yesterday for the first time,and I almost cried! She looked at me like I was strange,but "ohmyGod" My heart was beating out of my chest! This precious little person, this miniture human,stole my breath away as I held her naked (diapered body) against my chest. I cradled her precious little head in my hand,and I felt like I was home! It was sudden. Heather was changing her diaper and outfit,and the doorbell rang. She handed her to me,quickly, without notice for the first time,and I didnt want to let go.
It took me back to where I SHOULD have been when my daughter was born. Dont get me wrong,I had those feelings,but they came with time,after fear and lack of confidence left. If someone would have just handed her to me, like "here,take her"...I wonder if I would have not been so scared. Maybe I should have held more babies,but I don't think that mattered, I was just scared and unsure. Being so young has it's positives and negatives.
As I held that newborn beauty,(she reminded me of the cutest little monkey I had ever seen!!!) I wanted to breath her in! I remember feeling that way when Andrea was about 2 weeks old,when I could actually breath again. I remember knowing what it felt like for my heart to be so bare and naked and exposed that I understood what it meant to have it outside of my chest. But for the first few weeks, I was just too paranoid and scared. I was terrified,I didn't think I was qualified. I did until I saw her beautiful little face after delivery,and I remember (probably post-pardum depression induced)thinking, "Did God make a mistake? How could a fool like me, someone so unworthy,be granted this responsibility?" I walked on pins and needles and rarely slept,because I was too scared to miss something. This time around,with Nolan...I am happy to have the experience,and although I am sure I will still feel unworthy,I am excited to have a little more confidence when they first hand him to me. Those little moments count so much!

Men need Filters!!!

I am not a naturally pretty girl. SURPRISE! It doesn't take a ton to be presentable,but I do not wake up,shower, blowdry my hair and go. I need styling products,and a round brush,special conditioners,and a flat iron. After that I need something to tame the frizzyness. I could walk around without makeup, but everyone asks if I am sick. I am very irish, so my skin isn't pale,but another surprise...IM WHITE! Not olive,tan or rosey...yellowish,white,and dark circles show up under my eyes. I need AT LEAST powder,blush mascara and eyeliner to walk out of the house comfortably. I have to go to the gym. I like to have color of some sort,even if it is a faux tan. THAT IS JUST ME. I don't mind,because I am happy with the end result, but pregnancy adds new challenges to my daily rituals. I'm anemic,so dark circles and pale face is something I have gotten used to, so in order to go out and look healthy, I need more blush,bronzer,and concealor. No faux tanning,and I'm advised NOT to exercise,so........I don't FEEL pretty. Nick called me "ugly" today,supposable joking. I don't get the humor. I'm normally like "whatever" to that type of thing,but right now...I FEEL UGLY! I don't know whether to crawl under a rock,or kick him in the face! UGHHHH! Why can't men just watch their mouths like we do? Do I tell him if his breath stinks,or his shirt make his new growing gut look big, NO! Do I tell him that I hate his cologne,that he thinks smells sooooo great? NO...maybe I should! Nope, because we as women are better than that. God gave us filters!!! Thankfully, so now I dont feel like a pompous ass, like he probably does as he sits alone in the other room.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Junior's Cheesecake

Has anyone ever been to Juniors Cheesecake in Brooklyn. I try to stay away from Brooklyn....and up North all together. I went to NYC once and not only were people terribly rude to me and did not say "good morning" or "hello" in return when I said so while walking down the street,but the sales clerks weren't even nice,and someone stole my camera and ran off with it. I did however meet a really nice "tap" dancer (or at least she called herself that,because she tapped nude on some stage) in a really popular Italian Resteraunt where Garfield was created.(dang it,what was the name of that resteraunt?). I wasn't really impressed. Not so much that I would travel back. But, I may actually make a trip out to Brooklyn for Junior's Cheesecake,IF THEY WERENT SO KIND AS TO DELIVER, or should I say "ship" it to your house for $41! Hey, but it's a whole pie! I am dying for a piece now. I saw it on tv, and my mouth started watering the way a dog's does as it stares at you with no pride in front of the dinner table! Has anyone ever had one of these pies (or even a slice?) bc I am going to be one pissed off preggo lady if I order a forty buck pie and Sarah Lee does it better!

Why I Wear a Mask

As many of you know,I am pregnant,and a full time student (which kinda blows) who is about to drop my intermediate math (its basically an L.D math class) because it is too hard. I am however doing well at my other courses. In one class I had to write a relationship essay, dealing with personal addiction or a daily ritual. This was going to be tough.
I learned early on that in writting,you often write about what you can support,or have knowledge of, not necessarily what is true or what you really feel. I could write a lot about an addiction to heroine or Meth. although I have never done either,I could find a lot of info on the net to write about and support clearly. That would be interesting too. Everyone would love reading about how they are in class with a junkie...but since I am pregnant and dont want DSS called, I had to rule out drugs,alchohal,and for self-respect,ciggerettes. So what does that leave me? Coffee (taken)and excercise. Can't be too addicted,I am about to have the baby in class. So, I wrote about makeup. Hey,it's not necesarilly an addiction,but it is a daily ritual that is not hurting anyone (ok,you tree huggers. Picket somewhere else,I went to a Paul McCartney concert too,and felt like a murderer then,so save it). Is it superficial and shallow,yes, Clever,no. But, oh well. I could support my topic. Now, if the bitch would just grade it so I can breath again!
I started it with a quote from The Princess Bride that says " Why do you wear a mask? Were you burned by acid or something? Oh, no. It's just that they are terribly comfortable. I believe that in the future,everyone will be wearing one.
Then I go on to talk about my daily ritual as though it is a mask, or face transplant,never really saying that it is "makeup", and I talk about the love hate relationship I have for it,and how I feel uncomfortable without it. How I can't vacation without bringing it with me,and how it can be a source of comfort and stress for certain things that I do in life. If I could copy and paste Word 2010 (its a trial,dont get all jealoous) to this stupid blog I would,but just like with math,I guess I am computer LD,as well.
Ciao for now!

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