Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A letter never sent to Parent's Struggling with Addiction

This is an old post that I wanted to update on. I also think it is very important that anyone who is GETTING to know me BETTER,(getting GREAT new followers WHOOT WHOOT! understands where I have been to understand certain things about my life (why I am not close with my parents,etc)

I can't help but to love you, even though I want so badly not to. I cant help but dream that one day you will transform yourself into the cookie cutter image that I have often imagined you as.
One thing that I have learned from being a parent is that just because you become one, it doesn't automatically make you perfect. You still grow and mature. You still have moments of weakness and times when you are ashamed of yourself. Your children should never know that, but one day...if you are honest, they will learn to that you are not perfect, but that you strive to be as close as you possibly can...for them.

When I quit wanting it, when I give up, when I think that it no longer matters because she knows the truth, that will be the day that someone needs to sit me down and have a heart to heart with me.When I lose my fight all together, when I give in, just because its too hard...that will be the saddest day of my life.I have settled for less before,I have learned the art of winning by losing, just as long as she never has to feel aftermath of it.

I know I am not perfect.Yes, I have "partied"...in my younger years. I was honest with you about it, and it was a STUPID/rebellious faze.Never an addiction. I never sought it for comfort.You may think that I am condemning you, but that is truly your own conviction. I have witnessed you at your best, so you have no one to blame but yourself, because I know it is possible.

I talked my head off, and lectured til I was blue in the face...and never could make sense of why it never sank in.It's because I was not talking to YOU, I was talking to something bigger and more powerful than you, and I am not familiar with it.

You're right, I'm no better than the next person, and one day I will have my cross to bare, but I know what it is to love from the bottom of my soul. I know what it is to love someone else so much that I do without when I have to for this person.When I get stressed,I take a few deep breaths and keep moving, because this person counts on me and needs me-No Excuses!!!I have no time to lie around and dwell in my self pity, just because I lie still, doesn't mean life does.

So you can throw the "you think you're better than everybody" card if you wish. I don't for a minute. I do however feel as though life is not a sprint, its a marathon, and while it is too hard to play catch up for you, others lift their chins up and do it, they play catch up proud, while some are trying to keep pace and others are in the lead.I would carry you across in a minute, even if that meant I was falling behind, and you know it, but not if you are pretending or have convinced yourself you are dead weight.

I live my life keeping pace, but dreaming of being in the lead. Not for the LOVE OF MONEY, because I know how that can let you down from the both of you! But FOR MY DAUGHTER!

Some don't believe I should forgive, those are the people who have never experienced things such as this.I can't help but to love you, its rooted in me deeply, and that's why I have to do the best I can for my child, even if I'm too tired.

Just because your children grow up, it doesn't mean you stop being a parent. And sometimes it is too late. It's not too late for me to love you,I'll always do that, but it is too late for me to ever want to lean on you, it's too late for me to ever completely trust you, and its too late for me to work at this relationship.All I can do is wish you well, and hope that I don't get that call one day.Sounds funny, huh-sounds like what you once said to me.

Once again Ill say it...as I have too many times. I sincerely Thank you, because I never knew the strength I had until this happened. Thank you because I no longer judge someone on what they have but on who they are. Thank you because I now understand that everyone has a story to tell, and thank you because I will never be taken advantage of in such a way ever again.This has humbled me in so many ways but has given me a type of pride I can be proud of, and the sad thing about it is that I still have so much work that needs to be done inwardly-but had you not done this, I would have never known.

<-----Great video,song for this or bad breakup! My parents went to treatment and are getting their lives back together. They live much more modestly now than they did, but losing EVERYTHING is hard, and addiction will do that. They never saw it coming. I didnt know to look. I am told, and hope, that they have not relapsed. My father works a very modest job and I think he likes the fact there isnt as much pressure,and that my mother isnt working. she is happier too. They dont have the nice things they used to, and since $ doesnt motivate them anymore, sobriety does, they rekindled an old flame, and are getting back to what is important, and they dont look for a quick fix if something goes wrong (that I know of) We dont speak as often as we did before they started using, and it took me almost a year to forgive them. But my therapist has helped with that, and I cant keep punishing someone for something they have punished themselves enough for. All I can do is be careful,a nd feel blessed that my daughter didnt witness anything, like I had to. This has motivated me in so many ways, and opened my eyes. I tell them I love them and are proud of them often, (usually via text w my dad) because they need to hear it. I need to say it!

1 comment:

Let me know who you are,what you think, and I will always return the favor! Muah!!!

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