Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Peace, Love & Laxatives

Okay, it is official. Men have no cooth.
I went to CVS on Friday night with Nick. As you all know, I am rather uncomfortable talking about #2. Especially in front of men (Nick). I don't know why. There isn't much I WONT talk about, but that, well, I can KINDA talk about it with you, but it still feels wrong.It's like talking to your mom about intimate sex details. You get it.
So, like I said...Nick and I go to CVS. My Nick loves me, but he is an evil one sometimes. On the way there, he said or did (I dont know, maybe he didnt,and it was just this estrogen talking to me) something to make me feel like he thought I had lost my sex appeal. It could have been my paranoia because I knew, that he knew, that we were going to CVS to pick up laxatives, but either way, it was his fault. And for the first time EVER,I wanted him to be UBER jealous. (not like me at all), and damnit....for the first time, I was gonna bite the bullet and rub my swollen,bloated, and extremely constipated, yet still somewhat sexy self in his FACE!
Not only is CVS at 10pm, not a place you would usually pick up guys (I dont know, is it?) but...c'mon. I don't REALLY have that type of nerve. So, this is what happens.....

I walk in, after spraying some cheap (but surprisingly good smelling) Hale Berry perfume on at the front. I mess up my hair, poke out my chest, and decide to look around for someone , SOMEWHAT cute you KINDA smile at. Maybe then the poor fella will follow me around CVS (yeah, right-HAPPENS IN MOVIES. Ever seen Erin Brokovich?)
No one in sight.
Nick has no idea of my intentions (maybe he did, he's pretty passive aggressive and tricky like that) and grabs a grape soda and some cheeto's (what the heck was wrong with him that night?) and starts EATING them in the store. I give up and walk over to the laxative isle. I don't want cramps, cant wait 4 days, but don't want to get swamp pants when I am out somewhere...GEEZ! How do I know what to do? So, I decide to talk about it. I will just have to talk bout it with Nick. He comes over, and I try to ask him. He says "I don't know, I don't have those weird problems. If I need to go, I'm not all weird and hold it in for days. That's not good for you.That's how the kid on the Poltergeist movie died"which made me even MORE nervous.( I wasnt being "all weird" pain medicines and anesthisia constipate people) He tells me to go ask the pharmacist.

I go and get in line, and when the line FINALLY gets down to just one person in front of me,(I thought the store was DEAD) Nick sits down and starts flipping through Senior Citizen Magazines and out comes a really hot Pharmacist.Then the long line of people start to line up behind me (like the pharmacy was giving away Blood Pressure Medicine) and I started to choke up. Nick gets up, and half looking at the magazine says "she's constipated and probably needs some of that extra strength ex-lax" in an "all too comfortable" volume. I guess I start to blush, and so the pharmacist tells me to go over to the side where it says "Pharmacist Consultation". There he goes between asking me personal questions about the nuances of my #2, to telling me an embarrassing story about him getting food poisoning while on a bus in a 3rd world country after eating a bad coconut (F.P from coconut???) which made me feel even more awkward. Then he takes me to the laxative line (6 people are waiting on this one cashier at the counter, and Nick is checking himself out with different reading glasses on) and explains EVERY single one to me, in a very strange flirtatious manner. 15 minutes later, I decide on WHATEVER and buy something and go.
As Nick and I were getting in the car, he said...."That guy was sweating you pretty hard."
I said "no, he wasn't (kinda happy that he might be jealous") we were talking about laxatives, for crying out loud.
Nick says " Yeah I think that dude was part Asian. He looked like it. Asian people are kinky. He probably gets off on talking like that"(can we say "racial profiling"?)
SO my Nick was a lil jealous , I FELT like I exploited myself.......
and in the long run, got exactly what I asked for...and more.


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