I dont expect anyone to read unless you have a lot of time on your hands. Very long

The Assignment: Write about someone you wish you saw more of.

The person in my life that I wish I saw more of is Amy .
God sent Amy to me when I was 8 years old. Actually he sent me her sister, who told me where to find this thing called "Amy" and when I looked for it, it was nowhere to be found. Amy then found me one day.That day changed me and my entire life!

While playing Barbie's alone on a picnic table in our apartments, I saw a young, tan blond woman jog in MY direction. She had small runner shorts and it confused me why she was running....from nothing. She took a break to sit down beside me, and put out her hand, as if to shake mine. I looked at her in awe as she said, chest out, very confidently "My Name is Eva! What is yours?". I knew this was the way that other 5 year olds started playing together from school, but I had never seen a beautiful woman who had to be at least 20 (all pretty women were 20 to me at this point in my life. All of my Barbies were 20, and so was Vanna White)introduce herself this way. I liked Eva. She asked me about my dolls,and about my favorite this and that, and then said "I gotta run, ha ha- my sister,Amy, is a few years younger than me and her bedroom window is right THERE (pointing) if you ever want to play with anyone. Knock on that window, she would love the company."
I said ok, and off she went. I was puzzled by this beautiful woman, but also exited. I felt like a celebrity.
A few days later I decided to knock on Amy's window.My knuckles barely tapped through the screen and onto the glass, and with a quiet knock, no one answered. I was probably 10:00 am, and to me that was late, but I realize now that she was probably sleeping.
I forgot about this and went on my way.
Months later I decided to skate around the parking lot. We lived in a very nice complex on the South Side, and many families would walk their dogs, or roller blade, and some single women would jog.
As I skated a huge Chocolate Lab chased me, and behind him ran a very tall, blond woman who was wearing a magenta windbreaker suit (keep in mind this was the early 90's). As she ran, she called to the dog and when we all came to a stop she said "HEY!!! My Name is AMY! What YOURS?" with a big smile on her face. She had on magenta lipstick and long magenta fingernails and had long bleach blond hair. To a child, these things mean a lot! At least to me. I talked to her for a while, and she told me that she was watching the dog for a neighbor and that she was going to take him in, and that I was welcome to come into her house for french toast. (My mother actually saved me from Amy's cooking that day, she once made me frech toast with pumpernickel bread.)
I ran home, and my mother was terrified. She said "I told you not to talk to strangers, and certainly not to go in their homes. You'll stay in for the day". I ran to my room and cried.
The next day Amy drove past me in her sports car as I was playing with my Barbie Dolls and asked me why I stood her up, in a loving, joking voice. I said "My mom says I cant talk to you. You are a stranger" .She asked me which apartment was mine, and when she returned, she knocked on our door and introduced herself to my mother. Amy sat in the floor and played with me every day until my mother was convinced that she wasn't a stranger. My mother said she knew that Amy was special, harmless and different after one day of us playing, she said that if I didn't "share my toys, she was going home" and that is just what she did. My mother would talk to Amy (who was actually 23) in the kitchen and they became great friends. Amy was lovable, and very smart. She looked like a supermodel, standing at 6 ft and it was hard (even at 8) not to notice that she was VERY busty. She wore bright colors, bright lipstick, and tanned often. What was more noticeable about Amy was her bold, yet caring personality. She was confident, and very articulate, yet she could talk to anyone, any age, and make them feel like they were special to her. Old people, young people, even animals loved Amy! They would flock to her. She got everything for free.
My Mother started letting me go to dinner and shopping with Amy. I would have sleepovers at her house and she took me to The New Kids On The Block Concert and let me wear magenta (MORE LIKE FUSICA-LOL) lipstick! She would pick me up from school, and we would go ice skating, and swimming in the summer. Summers were the best because she would take me to her parents house who lived in Conway,SC, which was only a few minutes from the Beach. Her dad would take me to church on Sundays, and we would pick up a few poor kids that I hated sitting next to ( I was a kid, geez) on the way there. He would then drop them off with bags of food in their hands , and we would have to go into their house and talk for a few minutes. One time he asked me if I wanted to go skating,I said "yes". Amy did my hair all pretty with ribbons and a french braid, and Eva ( a fashion merchandising Teacher) picked out my out my outfit and Mr.Wood escorted me to the skating rink. He gave me my first real gold earrings for a late Birthday present.They were seashells, and they were the fanciest things I had ever received.
When I arrived, with Mr.Wood as my Chaperon, there sat the two poor kids. Sonoco was the older chubby girl, and Wendel was the chubby boy who was my age, who looked really dirty. He chased me in circles around the skating ring, declaring his love for me. Eva and Amy rode together and I got to ride back from my Surprise Birthday Gathering with them, as they sang "Mr Wendell" and taunted me about my "new boyfriend". It was as though I had older sisters,finally.
They took me to Manhattan, and we shopped and spent many years in each others company. Amy took me everywhere with her, and my mother would have to approve of her new boyfriends before I went out with them (which I am sure the men who tried to desperately to get Amy attention, LOVED having to take an 8 year old to dinner on their dates).
When my parents bought our new home, Amy cried and so did my mother. It broke my heart. It was across town, and for birthdays, Amy and Eva would still send Balloons to my school, and surprise me by picking me up or having lunch with me.
Amy eventually got married, and I protested! I read a poem that I wrote at her wedding, and I couldn't stand her husband. I thought he was a "tight-wad" as I put it, and she told me that I should be happy she found her one true love, and that she wanted children. I thought I would die, and still to this day, its one of my biggest heartbreaks.I know now, that I was selfish, and that she had her own life to think about.I understand.
Amy and I used to see each other every few years at her fathers house. I love to visit with her and her family, although I am sad to say I have not met her youngest child and she has not met mine. Eva got married and finally settled down and although we all keep in touch through the net and phone, I miss them like crazy. We are planning a trip this summer.
Amy made a big contribution to my life. I was a lonely only child, with a lot to offer.In her own way, so was Amy. My mother and father did they best they could to give me what they could, and I know that it broke my Mothers heart that she had to work so often to give me what I needed, but she is grateful that I had these experiences as well. I know now what I need to do, to be a Mother and an "Amy: to my child. They should make more women like her!

Some More Verbal Vomit for ya!

Compulsively Yours left me a comment that said that she likes to do this, I thought it was sooo funny because my Boss's daughter (who I love) always says "thanks for the word vomit you left all over my shoes as soon as I walked in". Ha ha. Too funny! Why don't I think of these rude phrases to say? Oh,well.

I am a reformed BRAT! (depending on who you talk to, I am reformed. My Mother and boyfriend might beg to differ)That is why it is so upsetting when my daughter acts like a MANIAC like she did last night. I love her, but at 11pm last night, while she screamed from her bedroom for me to sleep with her, in the exorcist voice, that was the last thing I wanted to. I was scared to close my eyes.She was being mean!!! She doesnt usually do this. She doesnt usually try to "buck the system"! LOL. She likes the system. She likes going to bed at 8:30, and dinner at 6. She likes to do her reading time, and I think she even likes chores. Last night I let her watch Mama Mia. Oh, yeah-Can it!!! Seriously, LOCK IT UP! The movie doesnt say anything about sex. Just -"DOT DOT DOT"! My daughter just likes the songs. We scrapbooked and ate Haggan Daz and had take out, and I thought this was exiting. SHE DID GREAT ON HER REPORT CARD. I let her watch the American Girl movie to fall asleep. Obviously she likes the old movies better because they are boring, and she isnt as interested. HOW WAS I TO KNOW? Shoot me. I got her a new movie to fall asleep to. When the movie was over, she begged me to sleep with her because she was scared. No she wasnt. I know when she is scared, and when she is using this against me. This was one of those times. Then she told me it was my "fault because I let her stay up until 9pm" .I was mad that she said this, but let it go. Not until she screamed at me from the other room was I PISSED OFF! IS she becoming a demanding diva? I hope not. I was a BRAT, but never that BOLD!
I didnt have to be. My mom worked after I got out of school. She made better money at the Restaurant then she did at an office job. She went in at 3pm and came home at 11pm. My dad was nocturnal. He worked the night shift for a printing company, and he was SUPPOSED to sleep when I was at school. Usually he slept when I was home. I got to stay up as late as I wanted. I got to do my homework, when and IF I wanted. I remember writing a paper and leaving it out for my mom, and her throwing it away and saying that I could get sued for Plagiarism for what I did. I WROTE THE PAPER! I didnt copy it! Oh, well. I quit doing my homework then. I passed by the skin of my teeth. I did NOT buck this system, at all! I liked it (and payed for it later, on my own. I really do learn my lessons) My mother bailed me out of bad situations a few times, but went things with my parents went sour, the money wasn't there to bail me out, and I had to learn on my own. The very hard way. Like I said, I learn MY lessons. If I have to take care of a situation with NO help, I learn quickly!
Andrea is NOT like me in that respect. She IS definitely too smart for our own good, but she HAS to have order. SHE HAS TO HAVE IT and LOVES IT! Maybe I would have to if I were given it. I dont know. I know I liked going to other families homes, and would pretend I had chores. SO I probably would have been the same.
But ONE night without order!!!!!! I thought she would have been happy and grateful .I thought she would have fallen asleep with NO problems, and a big smile on her face. OMG, was I ever wrong. It was not the sugar. I drink sweet tea all of the time, she steals sips out of my glass before bed. Has for a while. She gets milk with meals, (juice in the morning) and water in between (it's better for your teeth) but she steals sips of my tea. I see her sometimes. So, I know she can fall asleep with sugar and caffeine. I can drink coffee before bed and fall asleep. I know for a fact that it was MY LACK of rules and fun loving spirit that made her turn into this yelling and screaming meanie head (for lack of better words). SO what, no more free nights? Only game nights on Thursdays with NO movies? I guess I should stick to what other parents do with (rewards on weekends) but she is going to her dads this weekend.
Now that I think of it, last time she got a big treat for good behavior, I let her have a pajama party with her best friend at our house, and she was mean then too. My child is normally very sweet and caring. She was MEAN that night. You think she is allergic to FUN?

$pend right now, People! Tips from someone with BAD CREDIT!

ok, no don't! Not in excess. I am IN NO WAY a financial advisor. I can however advise you how to NOT spend your $$$.
I believe that I have shared with you all that I have a rather large mouth. Not that I tell others secrets, because anyone who knows me knows that is not the case. But my mouth is rather large when it comes to my own personal business. Just big enough to place my foot in it. It rarely comes out.
I will tell you what is in my medicine cabinets,how many (although not details and who) people I have slept with, and what I think about ANYTHING, within knowing you for a very short time. Do I say it inappropriate settings?No. But, I am upfront and honest. Love me FOR ALL OF WHO I AM, or hate me for it. At least there are no uncertainties. Life is full of them, I try not to be.
One things I have felt rather embarrassed talking about has been my credit. I made some terrible mistakes when I was younger, and lived by the "out of sight, out of mind" rule. I didnt look at the bills, so they werent there.
Interest did NOT SEEM FAIR to me, so I refused to pay it! And when the bills kept coming, I quit paying.
I was not careful in the least.
My Mother was the same way. She was an impulse shopper, who wrote bad checks, and my father always came to her rescue.

I got ONE credit card at the ripe age of 18, and totally screwed it up! I was warned not to get one by my parents so I hid the bills.After that I never got another credit card. EVER!
I have medical bills that need to be payed off, from when I waited tables.
Besides that, I have a student loan that I let go into DEFAULT.Can you BELIEVE IT???? UGH!
I was overwhelmed and thought, "out of sight, out of mind". I paid for what I needed THEN. Clothes , Cash! Car, Cash! Furniture,CASH! I paid my rent and electricity on time.
I had NO debt in my own eyes, oh but boy did I! I tried to get a car, and got turned down. I then realized that this was a problem!
But there are some GREAT THINGS about having bad credit. Really!!! And I will explain.
See, while my friends have excellent credit, they also have more credit cards and more STRESS! As the economy gets worse, and people are losing their jobs, this is ONE MORE THING to feel AWFUL about.
I couldnt get a $40,000 car if I wanted one.
I was happy with my car, and not having a payment made it easier for me to go out and buy all of the clothes that I wanted. Here recently my car started to act up, and I have to budget if I have another monthly payment.
I started to work things out with creditors and repair my credit. The student loan in a few months will show up POSITIVE on my credit and will actually NEVER SHOW THAT I WAS EVER IN THE DEFAULT. They have already done this with MOST of it, I have a few more monthly payments to make.
I am working something out with this credit card company also.
I have NO other credit cards to worry about.
My job seems stable enough. While many other people are getting laid off, I see my Boss as a great businessman.
He told me that during the Great Depression one of the BIGGEST problems was FEAR in itself. He asked me to read up on Irving Fisher, and so I did.
"Irving Fisher was an American Economist, health campaigner, and one of the earliest American neoclassical economists and, although he was perhaps the first celebrity economist, his reputation today is probably higher than it was in his lifetime. Several concepts are named after him, including the Fisher equation, Fisher hypothesis and Fisher separation theorem.

He then outlined 9 factors interacting with one another under conditions of debt and deflation to create the mechanics of boom to bust. The chain of events proceeded as follows:

1. Debt liquidation and distress selling

Contraction of the money supply as bank loans are paid off

A fall in the level of asset prices

A still greater fall in the net worths of business, precipitating bankruptcies

A fall in profits

A reduction in output, in trade and in employment.

Pessimism and loss of confidence

Hoarding of money

When I qualified for credit cards, my income wasnt high enough. If my credit would have been higher, I would not have been as responsible as I am, and would not only not have the $ to pay them off, but also not had the discipline, and repairing my credit would not have been as easy.

I also would not be able to purchase a home at such a low cost right now, because my debt wouldnt have allowed me too. I wouldnt really HAVE as much money, as my credit cards said I did, and it would be a never ending cycle.

While my credit DOES show how I once was, it is getting much better and is showing where I am NOW! And I am GRATEFUL that The Lord allowed me to make the mistakes that I made with my credit, that I am able to negotiate and pay people back without it negatively effecting me, and when it does that it is not holding me back from getting what I can AFFORD. I am also grateful that The Lord showed me the importance of NOT BORROWING from everyone. When all you have is cash, you learn to spend is more wisely when no one is going to bail you out.

And now I can take advantage of that lesson and these blessings .

DONT SEND THE LETTER!!!!!!!!

You know how everyone always tells you it is so therapeutic to write a letter to someone to get things off your chest. I did that today, and boy was it therapeutic. Until I sent it. I guess you aren't supposed to send the therapeutic letter. Now I am sooo mad at myself, because it rambeled and rambled. I said nice things and not so nice things. I did this over Myspace for crying out loud. I never check my Myspace page.I wasn't going to send it, then in a moment of "what the heck". I did.
A few minutes later, I forwarded the message to my friends dad, who is like a Father to me. He said it did not do me justice. I knew that. I wouldn't usually have sent it. IT's was years and years worth of blah blah.
Needless to say, I had to delete my myspace page. I tried to delete just the message but that didn't work. I hope she doesn't check her messages in the next 48 hours. AAAAH! I am so stupid for doing that.
I normally wouldn't care, but it is my Daughters Step Mom, and it would be better if (for my daughters sake) I left some things unsaid. Now it's too late.
Reminds me of a John Mayer song. MY STUPID MOUTH, HAS GOT ME IN TROUBLE.I SAID TOO MUCH AGAIN.
I think I like the way my foot tastes. I really must. It stays in my mouth constantly.

Tribute Doll for Kaylee Anthony...Are you Serious?

I heard on the radio, that a Jacksonville toy company, Showbiz Promotions has created a Caylee Sunshine Doll, in Tribute to Caylee Anthony . This doll is supposed to look exactly like the late Kaylee Anthony and even sings "You Are My Sunshine" just like she did in the home video that is going around YouTube at the moment.

"Showbiz Promotions came under fire earlier this week after announcing it would sell the blond, 18-inch Inspirational Caylee Sunshine Doll for $29.99. The doll plays the song "You Are My Sunshine" when her bellybutton is pushed"

Am I the only one who thinks this is absolutely TERRIBLE? And $29.99?????????? Are you Serious?

It's beautiful to pay tribute to this beautiful child whose life was cut WAY too short. That is fabulous. Do so by giving money to the many charities that were created to help find missing children. Write a big fat check and in the bottom left corner write "In Honor of Caylee Anthony". ( I don't follow this story because it sickens me so much to think of how horrible people can be. I can tell you that I ,for one, have no doubt in my mind that This Grandmother loved this child VERY much, and that it has saddened these parents more that words can express. I don't know the inside details of this family, but I can tell you that YOU CANNOT TALK OF ONE PERSONS JOURNEYS until you have walked a day in their shoes. I can not imagine that it is EASY to look at your daughter with convicting eyes. We all want to imagine that our children are incapable of wrong doings.ESPECIALLY to that degree. I think the media should be easier on this FAMILY, do what you have to do to investigate but save your scrutiny for after the trial, if you need to do so. I have said it time and time before, during Public Trials,even during the Michael Jackson trial (if HE WERE INNOCENT, how terrible would you feel if you were the cause of this mans sadness. IF he really DID just love these children because he felt like a kindred spirit and maybe needed therapy, how terrible would we feel? Not to say that he was.If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it sure as hell ain't a DOG! But sometimes things aren't what they appear and until facts are found, too many people have been treated unfairly in our judicial system.Too many people have been wrongly accused and the media can be unforgiving. But all the same, too many killers walk free, and it's best to let the courts do the work and the jury to make decisions. As you can see recently, this family is in pain, regardless of what WE say. WE were not there)

Don't have much money? Give a little check or see what you can do for someone else in a situation where authorities cannot find a missing Child. I am a FULL BELIEVER IN PAYING IT FORWARD. It may not be The Anthony's you are helping, but unfortunately things like this happen more than we would like to think.
But making a pretty penny off of the murder of an innocent sweet baby is TERRIBLE! EVIL! You can sugarcoat it, wrap it in pretty pink paper and have it smell like daisies and it is still evil, and this is exactly what the man (I hate to refer to him as a man, I'll just call him " Mean Ol' Demon, employed by the Devil") excuse me, Mean Ol' Demon, employed by the Devil is doing. I am sure it is a beautiful doll. I can't imagine anything in this child's(or any child) image not being angelic, but so were many of the other sins that Satan created.
........And to top matters off, he wasn't even TRYING to donate any of the $$$ to charities.

He has postponed the release of the doll. I am sure his lawyers, not conscience, advised him to do so.
To you, Mr.Mean Ol' Demon, working for the Devil , I really hope that you have a change of heart FOR GOOD, and that you make ONE DOLL, give it to the family of this child ( innocent 'til proven guilty people, I said "family" though, not Mother) and attached with it, an apology letter. I think it would be best if you didn't sell your story either. God Bless You!

Also....I just found out that A New Orleans Witch Dr is selling a Casey Anthony Vodoo Doll on Ebay. OMG! Are you SERIOUS?AreYOU SERIOUS? Really...ARE YOU?
What has this world come too? At least this lady has a little more respect (not much more at all) for the slain child, in the fact that she is.............. WAIT what am I saying? She is still making MONEY off of the poor childs murder!!!!!! She is just more flamboyant in her evil ways.It's pretty obvious who she is working for, so I wont even say it again. Or will I? Mrs.Demon Lady, employed by the DEVIL! You both should be ashamed of yourselves.

HEY!

If you stop here, please check out Jackie-Ohhhs Smashion Fashion. My other Blog. Its kinda cute (I think) bot corney. Just peep at it, and thats all. Just a peep :)

Sat night!!!!
Geez, can someone tell me how to post a video from your phone on here. That would be helpful!

Here are some pictures of my HOT MAMMA's out on Sat night. I love these GIRLS :)
Ashley had a cute lil cake and a cute lil dress, and I left after dinner bc I didnt want to fight crowds and "clubby people" at "clubs" arent my cup of tea. Im too lazy to kiss butt bc someone is "someone" in the nightclub scene, or a football player, and I am way too irratated with men,to accept a drink from a man, then let him cling to my side for it for the rest of the night hoping he can get laid. I DONT NEED YOUR DRINK,I'll buy my own, in the long run, its cheaper and more convienent. I have a boyfriend to go home to, and even if not........I'm worth way more than anything you can give me in one night. My time is, my body is, and my mind is.........I think we all are, if we give ourselves the credit to be. If you dont, well thats you...and with that attitude , you arent. Go be a $100 bill,selling yourself for a nickle..

Nick was supposed to move out Friday, but he got the stomach flu.Convient. I had to take care of him, which OF COARSE, brought us closer together. But, he didnt feel well enough to go with me Sat night, also convienent.
Ashley has a lot of friends.I had no idea. I think some are "friends" and others are "going out friends". I didnt get a good vibe off of two of "going out friends". One was a lil loud mouthed, and and The other one that I didnt trust was because of the look on her face, I dont know, she is easy to read. But once I thought one of her friends was rude, and I breifly spoke w her in the bathroom, and she seems nicer than I thought so...oh who am I to judge anyone! Just needed to put that out there...like I am in confession or something.
I have a problem with people who dont speak and act sociable. I know that many ppl are insecure or scared to talk, or shy, and in that case, when someone DOES talk to you, at least smile and agree. IF you act like a dry peice of TOAST, and I am nice to you, please understand that it IS an insult to be too quiet and IGNORE ME.I'm not annoying or in your face. I have plenty of friends, if I come over and introduce us, its because I want you to feel welcome, because I know I havent seen you, or you have no one around you and I dont want you to feel left out.
So, I am judgemental to those types of people. I prob dont need to be
As for the rest of the night went, I left early-like I said, had good dinner,and got a laugh or two along the way. GOt home early to take care of Nick, but he was asleep. Ive been sleeping a lot lately. Andrea was with Family... I had that planned before I knew he was gonna be sick, and glad I kept the arrangments, because he couldnt have been worth anything to watch her that night. Sunday...we all did a lot of nothing, besides watch tv. Andrea and I watched Movies and scrapbooked, cooked and icecream and then zzzzzzzzz time.My house is a mess :(

Cold Oatmeal on Mondays

I watched Grand Torino (?ms?) last night. OMG! I cried and cried. This WAS handsdown, the best movie I have seen all year!!!!!! Better than Twilight ( nothing compares to that book though. If I must say so myself. My copy of the book is getting passed around Jodi's grandmothers nursing home right now-You know it is good when a teen book ,is read by a Mother in her late twenties, then passed around a nursing home-sorry, ASSISTED LIVING COMMUNITY)Back to my movie. I loved it. I loved it's honest approach to life,death,religon,race,neighborhoods in America,etc,etc. I just would like to see Clint Eastwood not be the hardcore hero one time!!!! Just once before he retires.. If I were in a nursing home, I'd def like him, instead of John Mayer. He would be very HOT to me :) If you can't decide what movie to see with your husband or the girls, this is a good flick regardless. Very touching, but it has CLINT EASTWOOD in it.

The last Clint Eastwood flick I saw on a date was Million Dollar Baby. I sobbed, uncontrollably.Snotty nosed and all. Maybe you should know that guy pretty well before you see any newer Clint Eastwood flicks. Unless you're going for the damsel in distress,even in the movie theatre, softie role. I don't know, I think that is tacky.... but after 2 years, Nick has seen me cry over not finding my earring. I don't think he or I care anymore.

Ok so this movie is baced on the life of Walt Kowalski, a racist,opiniated,bitter ,Korean War Vet, who has recently become a widower. He has become the minority in the neighborhood where he and his wife shared a home.After a neighborhood gang bullies his young neighbor into stealing Walt's Grand Torino, he reluctantly becomes a hero to the neighborhood as he protects the young boy, and his family from what this neighborhood has become, and learns all about true friendship, love,loyalty, and Life in the meantime. Great,great movie. I hear it will be Clint Eastwoods last. (he is 79).

What am I talking about again. IS the coffee ready???????? UGH!

Happy Birthday Ashley!!!

I DONT WANT TO GO DOWNTOWN TO YOUR PARTY, but I LOVE YA SO MUCH, I WILL COME AND GRACE YOU WITH MY PRESENCE.ha ha-jk, kinda, but not really!
I just dont like driving downtown, can you have your party at Chili's or something, instead of a martini bar? JK, I AM just kidding there. Chili's isnt as much fun, and there are a lot of rednecks on the weekend. Plus, Ill pay $12 EXTRA dollars for fresh food, not just a bigger frozen dinner at Chili's.
I heart you Girls very much, so I cant wait to attend any of your bday bashes, and the fact that you guys dont think that shopping and going to the movies is exiting enough for mine, I will let that slide -because you make it every POST Christmas.And you are always read to pounce on Nick if I'd let u, no matter how big of a nut I am. I Miss and just love your face, FRIEND!!!
Happy Bday, HOOKERFACE!!!

Part Two, to The Other Post...

Well, thanks for the support DARLING! I took Lexapro at one time, but it made my tummy hurt. And I took Paxil, and Prozack, Prozack made me a COMPLETE ZOMBIE, and Paxil made me zombie enough to where I could spill my drink in my lap and just sit in it, carefree, and have night terrors. SO, cumbalta and lexapro worked for me, just cymbalta doesnt make me feel like I can up-chuck, without upchucking.
I dont know that I was ever REALLY depressed. I might be for a day or so, but I was just moody and mean sometimes. OVER-emotional, with people who I was close with (family or boyfriends) and then other times cold and isolated.
I thought it was PMS, even after dr.s TRIED to prescribe me things time and time again. It wasnt until I deveolped OCD, which led to Anxiety, which led to Panick Attacks that I took something. Then it was diffucult to take, so I didnt regularly.
...and as far as the ADD med...(hyper crazy pills). I struggled with that ALL through school, and wouldnt take my meds. WIsh I had b/c it would have helped. Im not hyper, just flighty and forgetful, and if that doesnt seem bad enough for meds.......meet my mom. She can never find her keys or her wallet, or Birth certificate, daydreams while driving, has been in a wreck, and still doesnt know how to use a remote, bc she didnt pay attention close enough 30 years ago, and cant sit still to figure it out.

Dreams Suck

I only have to work until 2 today, which is great. Andrea's teachers must like to work VERY hard, because they sure do have a ton of workdays.UGH! I am expecting Andrea to be in calculus next year, considering how hard these teachers work.
Anywho, I had to bring her to work with me.
I don't mind telling people online this, because #1 I can't see you, and #2, it really isn't anything to be ashamed of. I don't tell people I don't know very well ususally, not because I am ashamed, but I guess that it is not proper, but.........I'm on anti-depressants and just now some kinda hyper people pills, called Concerta. SO I take Concerta AND Cymbalta. THEN...to top it off, they prescribed me Klonopin to sleep. GEEZ! I went to a Shrink after the bottom fell out of my life when my parents crap happened, almost 2 years ago, and this is what I walked out with. A therapist who I love, and drugs!!! I will tell you more about that later, but I have been very anti-drug even prescription (mind altering or habit forming) for years, and still to this day, blame Xanax for my Mothers backslide.
So, I am taking these meds, and they make me not sleep, so since I sleep lightly anyways, I take Klonopin to sleep,but it makes it hard to wake up.So, I haven't taken them lately, haven't slept with Nick in a while.
Last night I started dreaming VERY vividly about John Mayer. I think I love him!!! ha ha, but I do...really. It's no joking matter.I don't know if I love HIM, but I sure do love the guy in my dreams who looked and sounded like him. Ugh, same way with Nick these days. I LOVED the guy I thought he was, and that is why I havent left him. I hated that I kept waking up, but my dreams stayed the same when I fell back asleep, and when I woke up, I was happy, but now I am kinda disappointed. I don't want to have those type of feelings for any man again. MAKE BELIEVE feelings. I always do that, and its not fair to anyone, and that dream was a reminder of it. Does anyone know of a place to get a dream catchers that works???

A Now and Later NOW, or a Now and Later -LATER...OR NEVER!!!

Now and later, I'd like a kiss on the cheek or forehead. Ok, so you forgot to take out the trash, or you hogged the remote.All it takes is one small kiss, and the rest is history.That's my payment, and it is cheap if you ask me. My daughter knows this. She's 5. It's not brain surgery.
See, around these parts, I am the HEAD HONCHO. I DO ALL THE DIRTY WORK. I GET stuff done! Oh, yeah...I said it. I let you hold that remote.Why? Because I am quietly doing more important things. In the scheme of things, my life will be more memorable. I will not be appreciated TODAY, but one DAY, I WILL BE. When she is a 25 year old Newleywed, and laundry is overflowing, the sink if overflowing and her husband is out watching the game with his friends, and she has been talking to "this company" and making "this appointment" and waiting on hold for "those Dr.s", she'll appreciate me. She will look at herself, and say "I am my MOTHER".And the chain begins. Her daughter will do the same. What rewards we don't get here on earth, will be given in Heaven, and some when everyone gets older.I know from experience.
So, while I wipe my brow, pick up laundry, work 40 hours a week, get up to get everyone off to work/school, make lunches,take everyone to appointments,and her to dance, and get your things to go fishing, she knows that it is not easy. You know that it is not easy. You tell me to relax. She just gives me a kiss on the forehead and says "you're the Best Mommy" . All she does is look into my eyes, and I melt. THAT WAS A REWARD in itself. The oppurtunity to get a chance to take care of her is a blessing IN ITSELF. I am overjoyed to get to do it.
So last night when you told me that you felt as though you were missing something or that your life was empty, I should have been more conccerned or sad for you. Instead I said " that is too bad, honey! My life is so full! I may be a slave in your eyes, and I may be underpaid and underappreciated. My hair is dark because I dont have the time or energy to go to the salon anymore, and I dont feel outwardly beautiful all of the time. But I feel good in my heart.People chase money and status, and when you get that let me know how you feel...because I may not have it, but I AM happy, and I feel fullfilled. I give to other people because I love them, and one day that will be poured back on me, if it hasnt been already. They may not love me, they may not pour it on me, but the learning experience,the universe,GOD will pour it back on me, either in my heart, or in heaven. I doubt it will be material, because I dont YEARN for that, but it may be.But it will be poured over me, just as much or as little as I poured it out. SO you take that for what it is worth. When you are sitting on the couch with your remote, who are YOU pouring anything out to? YOURSELF? Half-hearted? Well, that says it all. Many rich men get addicted to drugs,gambling or women....and die unhappy. Take that for what it is worth also"
This morning, as I slept on the couch, you gave me a kiss on the forehead as I slept. Why Now, ususally you say "Later" when I ask for anything. Ive been asking for a kiss on the forehead silently for 6 months! Is it because you think you'll NEVER be able to give it to me again???? Which is it.


This is what you sent me this morning.....
I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the choices I make everyday. It's my personal approach that creates the climate. It's my daily mood that makes the weather around myself and others sunny or rainy. As a human being, I possess a tremendous power to make others' lives miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and another person humanized or dehumanized. It's all up to me ( or you now).

The Assignment

The Assignment is to write about your MOST MEMORABLE BLIND DATE. This is going to be bittersweet for me, because we are actually breaking up, but it is definitely the most memorable.

A blind date is normally one that happens when someone sets you up without you or the other person knowing what the other looks like. I think every date is blind, personally, because "looks" alone, to me are not THAT important (when it comes to HIM) and the personality and inner character is what I vibe off of. So, to me -all dates are blind, at first. It is years after you have dated, when you say to your Husband or Boyfriend..."hey, wanna go grab some wings and a beer, or I'm really in the mood for Hummus and Wine" that your dates are no longer blind. You know what to expect,and it goes as planned. The persons looks alone don't attract you, and you know that person the best that you will ever. Not part of the assignment..I'll shut up!

Nick and I were not set up. We had seen each other years and years before and liked each other very much.But both of us were in relationships, so it never went anywhere beyond a conversation. If I saw him at a party, instantly we drifted closer to each other, and then eventually outside,where we would tale and laugh casually. There were sparks, but just like sparks, they were hot, and short.They died out fast, as we had to leave each other's side, without a number or a kiss, or even...see you around. We knew we would.It is crazy, but I knew nothing of what Nick looked like. It was usually rather dark when we would run into each other, and back then all you needed was "confirmation" from your friends that a guy was hot. They "confirmed". All that I knew was that his hair was longer than most of the boys that we went to school with. He dressed very preppy, in Polo's ,smelled nice, had a nice smile, and his eyes smiled constantly.EVERYTHING else, was a mystery.
As the years went by, I didn't see Nick. I remembered him every time I saw a Johnny Lang CD that I kept in my car, just for the memories of Nick. His eyes, his scent, and The Dark...where we talked so freely, but no pressure was put on for anything else.That CD became one of my favorites.
I stayed with my boyfriend Ricky, for years,and we bumped into Nick. Nick and Ricky were FRIENDS, years and years ago.And I knew Nicks girlfriend all to well (now a good friend of mine, thanks to Cymbalta)as a friend who drove me NUTS!!! She had to go everywhere with me. Followed me to work, and then later when I told her that enough was enough, told me that her family was in the Mafia and out to kill me. she was a wreck. I felt bad for Nick, and didn't so much as look at him again. I held onto that CD though. I still didn't know what Nick looked like in the face or body. I just remembered his smell,and those eyes. His hair was shorter,and I didn't pay him as much attention. Especially now since he was "tainted" with this girl. I had to play nice to her for Ricky's sake (which didn't last long, she drove me crazy again) and she started showing up to my house to complain about Nick. I did not know the Nick she spoke of. He was completely separated from the Nick I knew. I didn't see Nick again for over 5 years.
A lot can change in 5 years. I left Ricky, had a baby, and left her father. I moved into a condo, and much to my surprise, it was close to Ricky's house. I ran into Ricky at the Mall, and we exchanged numbers and he asked me if I could dog sit his dog that weekend. Apparently she had surgery, and he felt uncomfortable leaving her with just anyone,but he had a wedding to attend in Colorado with his family. His dog was older, and remembered me. I agreed.
Ricky was not home, and it was just me and his dog watching Animal Planet, when the phone rang. Being nosy, I answered and it was Nick. He moved to New Bern, NC, and we talked for hours. Every day after that we talked for hours. He broke up with crazy pants, who I hadn't talked to in years either. (I love to death now that she is on medication, but she is still a lil crazy.) and was single. As was I.
We talked on the phone for hours a day for months. I was scared to see him, he was scared to see me. What if we didn't like what we had saw, we both had changed. I couldn't remember EXACTLY what color hair he had, and he couldn't remember mine either. We just remembered things such as smells or conversations or events that took place.
Nick told me that he loved me, before we ever saw one another. His mother got on the phone one as they were having lunch, to tell me that since her son met me, he walked with more "pep in his step" and whatever I did "to keep doing it"!!!
We agreed to meet on Queens Road, by his aunts house, after work. The drive was 5 hours for him, and he wouldn't be there until after dark,after work. I waited under a tree, in my car, in fear he would never show. I didn't know which house was his aunts, but he told me to park wherever I could, and he would pull up next to me. We finally talked as he pulled into Charlotte, both of us nervous, and we didn't quit talking on the phone, until he pulled up next to me. WE hung up the phones as we got out of our cars. We met each other at the hood of his car, and he hugged me. My knees went weak, and I felt as though I was floating. God gave me my soul-mate!!! We talked, and he kissed me. He went in to visit with his aunt, which I thought was a good idea to do alone, so that I could call a friend. I drove to my friend Kristin's house, where I cried, and threw myself on her bed, and declared that I would never fall in love again! I met him. He smelled the same as I remembered. It wasn't a cologne, it was almost a detergent smell, and it was the exact same.
We spent the weekend together.
He drove down every other weekend thereafter, and I came up once a month. Christmas is sad for me, Andrea goes to her dads because I don't have as much family. I was going to be all alone, and he surprised me with a tree and gifts. We ate Chinese food,and saw a movie. He loved New Bern, but eventually moved down here to be with me.Nothing ever measures up when a blind date is so good.
WOW, that's long.

I AM REALLY IRRAC-TACTED,today -he he

I am refrencing "American Idol" when I say that. Ha Ha.What the hell? How can you get "irratated" wrong. I say it all of the time. I am a proverbial idiot. If I can do it, so can you!!!
I am really not IRAC-TACTED today, y'all. Don't worry :D I am actually in GREAT spirits considering I am ending a two year relationship with my boyfriend, Im just at this point (I swear I mean this) appreciating my OWN bed, no snoring and control of the remote. I'll get sad in a few days and have something to say about it. for now, I am really happy. I just love MY SPACE, (not to be confused with "FaceSpace" stuff, I think that is all he understood of it). I like being able to BREATH!!! I love knowing that the toilet seat will be down and my ARSE wont fall in the pot when I pee at night. I like being able to take a hot shower, and actually get all of the suds out of my hair before it get's cold. I like no one trying to smoke ciggs in my house (like I wont know). Andrea loves ANYTHING I cook, and we are generally very happy together. I am looking forward to this, for now.

Peek-A-SHi,Peek-a-doodle,Shi-Pooh,What, huh?

LOOK AT THAT CUTIE UP THERE!!!!!!
Andrea wants a puppy! No surprise here. She is 5 and the "Lip-Nickies" (I refer to them as her Gma and father to her) have like 6 Chihuaha's,a pig, a few cats,a monkey, a gerbel, and a camel that they call "Louise" (ok, Im lying about the gerbel,camel, and monkey.Wouldn't surprise me though)But she is an animal lover and I think that is great. I like animals a lot as long as they are someone else's. It's just a lot of upkeep, and mantiance that I HAVE TO take care of. But I think it is important that I do it for her sake. You should see the way she lights up around animals. It is so sweet!
So, her and I were discussing what type of dog we want. I want something smaller, with a BIG DOG personality. I want it to be housetrained, and not to yap. I really want a Bull-Mastive. She wants something smaller, and I think that is probably best.

I hear that Poodles are very smart.She does not care as long as it does not bite and she can hold it like a baby and dress it up. I do think that is cute, but have never pictured myself with a Vera Bradley or Louis Vutton dog-carrier.I don't want to name it Tinkerbell. Small or Not, I want to name it something big, like "Bruiser", or "Butch". I had a cat once, it was a boy. He was Black. I named him "Betty". Whoa, Black Betty, blam a lam!

I walked into Tinderbox a while back to buy cigars for my boyfriend, and out came running at me, a Boxer and underneath and kind of with him, was a little teddy bear that barked, and ran. IT was the cutest lil puppy ever!!!! I asked what type of creature this was, and the owner of the store said "Peek-a=Pooh". "Peek-at-What", I said...she said "No, Peek-a-Pooh" Its a "Hybrid Dog". SO, I gathered that this dog takes less gasoline and can run on close to empty, and is better for the enviorment, and get this....IS BRED OUT OF DESIGN. A DESIGNER DOG. I'm SOOO THERE! How cool. I went to go look for this Peek-a-Pooh, and buy one for my Andrea. None looked like the teddy bear in Tinderbox. I was SOOO confused. Really its a gamble. Either it will or will not look like some or most of one dog or another, and the same goes for it's temperment. I do not know how this dog is good for the enviorment, but Mixed Breeds normally live longer, so there is my "run on less fuel" analogy. Hmmmmmm.Got me thinking. Why not a Shi-Pooh, or a CockaDoodle? Or is it Cock-a-Pooh, or Laba-doodle? Whatever happened to calling it a "Good Old Fashion Mutt"? What is this world coming to? I don't know, but some of them sure are cute!

I am GOING TO SAY IT! Sorry-kinda!

GOD BLESS OBAMA, I am PROUD OF HIM!I am not a liberal. I have LOTS of friends who are, and that's cool with me. Everyone assumes I am, but I'm not. I'm a republican, but I think mostly it's out of Religion, and defiance of anything my parents tried to instill in me.That's why I am not a COMPLETE F-up.
My parents are Agnostic. C'mon. Be Atheist,be Buddhist, be Christian or Pagan, but AGNOSTIC? That means (probably not for everyone, just my parents) "I don't want to have to obey ANY rules that I don't like, so I won't pray until shit hits the fan, then I'll decide what I think seems most realistic".Okay! I am a Christian, not a model one, and I don't announce it to everyone. You will not see me with a "Honk if You Love Jesus" sticker on my car. I don't want to give someone the wrong idea about Christians. We aren't ALL hypocrites, just me. I guess, but not really. I try to live right. But I slip sometimes.I am not judgemental or in your way or annoying about my Faith...and I will curse you out in traffic, so I shouldn't have the bumper sticker!That would not be "rep'N" God very well.
Anywho.....
I didn't vote for Obama. I like the guy. He seems cool. I don't have big opinions on abortion,gay marriage, or whatever. Different Strokes for different folks. I can see both angles.I do HOWEVER, feel strongly about PARTIAL BIRTH abortion. But it is only for "certain circumstances". Oh, WOW! Why didn't you say so??? What IS A GOOD REASON FOR HAVING A BABY KILLED IN THAT WAY, when it could live in an incubator and be adopted.I have friends who would LOVE to adopt a child HERE IN AMERICA.Okay, so it takes you 6 months to decide if you want to KEEP your BABY, TOO F'IN BAD! Don't kill it, put it up for adoption. You were raped and locked in a closet for however long, WELL YOU LASTED THIS LONG, put it up for ADOPTION, what's a few more months of living with the pain of being raped and impregnated by the rapist. It does suck, that is awful, but it wasnt the babies fault. In certain HEALTH risk situations, I can understand it....but anytime else, I think it is wrong.So, that bothered me .....along with the fact that I am republican (I didn't LOVE Bush, but 'mon, he had a LOT to deal with, and no one liked Lincoln when he was in office either). But you wanna know what bothered me MOST? That people were voting for him based on COLOR alone. REALLY? WAsnt it MArtin Luther King who said "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."
And more so many African Americans voted AGAINST PROP 8, but FOR OBAMA. That is not his fault, that is our FEEBLE MINDED Citizens fault!
I LOVE the fact that we have a black president, even though I don't completely agree with him, and I do think this day is monumental. But before this day happened, when people were voting, I was very upset. People lost their lives for EQUALITY. To not be JUDGED BY THE COLOR of their skin, and then people who have never ever voted before in their LIVES, rush to vote FOR someone because of his color.
If I sat in a church that talked negatively about my mother's race, or ANY race for that matter, for once SECOND, I would get up and leave!!!!! And if I heard that a White Presidential Candidate attended a church that preached "anti-any color" I would not give him my vote, especially if he got married there,attended for 20 YEARS, and had BOTH children baptized there. When did it sink in that it might be KINDA racist?
I am sorry, but if I were not white, this would still bother me, but because I AM WHITE, it is wrong for me to say that it does? I can't poke fun at blacks on television, and there is no W.E.T...as I shouldn't and there shouldn't be. If we want EQUALITY, that's Exactly what everyone should get. Don't vote or NOT vote for someone based on their skin color. I don't even see why COLOR should be discussed. NO special treatments like MINORITY ACHEIVMENT. To me that is BELITTLING them. ACHIEVEMENTS SHOULD ALL BE RECOGNIZED, this isnt the SPECIAL OLYMPICS, its a race, and there are smart,capable, black people!!!!! African-American, REALLY? I am not IRISH-AMERICAN, yet much more Irish than many people are African. Once you are born in America, you are AMERICAN!The end. I think all of that stimulates the victim mentality. I hate what my ancestors did, but that wasnt ME. I DONT DESERVE TO BE CALLED A CRACKER, just like you dont deserve to be called a "name I wont say". "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr. "
So, much like my parents with their religion choice...many people chose to listen to SOME of Dr.Kings message, if they LIKE it, but not ALL!
So, while I didn't vote for Obama, I pray that he does succeed.We need it, but I also pray that he shows HOW CAPABLE people are, AND THERE ARE NO EXCUSES.RACISM IS A DOUBLE EDGED SWORD.








Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

IM NOT WEARING MAKEUP TODAY, NOT SICK!!!

If one more man asks me if I am sick today because I am not wearing makeup, I'm gonna beat them with my boot! Seriously! I can not STAND THAT!!!
I am not wearing makeup today because a hyena bit off half of my face. Or at least that's my story. Not as interesting is what really happened. I know not to pick at pimples, but I did. I picked and picked and picked, a HOLE into my face, a BLOODY HOLE. I think I was pretending it was someone else's. I subconsciesly was! No DOUBT. He lives in a tin can....the other one lives with me (and is calling me now,jackass). I am not a cutter, nor do I like to hurt myself. I don't like pain unless it is from the gym (and then I hate doing legs, that's y I have chicken legs), but I see where people could do that. Kinda.Anywho...back on topic
I didnt wear makeup because everything hurts the right side of my face. My SENSITIVE skin lotion, my tinted mosturizer, even my Bobbie Brown Clay Concealor Stick. So what's the point of doing one half and not the other, and I just didnt feel like doing my makeup this morning anyways. I HAVE A hole in my face that looks like I have the HERPES. SO.........
I had a dream years and years ago, about picking away at my face, and tenicles growing out of it (one time when talking to my boss about this dream I said "testicles" on accident. Imagine his face) WIld dream....I was really insecure about it in my dream (ya think?) and tried to cover it with a towell and act like nothing happend. NOT THE BRIGHTEST BULB IN THE SOCKET, NOW AM I? I hope it doesnt leave a scar.
But anywho...I wear very natural makeup, (accept for my eyes). I wear tinted moisturizer. I do not try to look like Tammy Faye, so why the hell is EVERYONE asking me if I am sick? Where is my makeup bag?............UGH,That is so rude.
Hey Ted, you're stomach is sticking out today...Are you constipated?
Hey, Lou...You're walking a little funnier today than usual, is it a stick up your ARSE, or hemroihds? Just wondering
Updated 1/22/09
This is a bad day, broken out, unwashed hair and wait til you see the outfit (gotta take from my desk).

Store Policy........

....until I saw this photo.IF you want to turn your head sideways and look you will see. Im lazy today. I could not believe how PREGO it made me look. I bought it for 79.99 AT STUPID B.R
I went back a week later, and it was 49.99. YEP,ONE WEEK!!!!!!!!!! I loved that shirt, so I did what any cheapskate would do and I told them, "HEY, I shop here all the time, and I never see deals this good so quick, I bought this shirt..it makes me look pregnant, but I want to keep it, but I dont think that it right about the whole sale thing", and you know what??? Stupid Banana REpublic, gave me the money back on my card...Apparently, it's store policy.
Another Store Policy that I SHOULD NOT KNOW OR TELL, is that Nordstroms (I'm kicking myself for opening my big mouth right now)HAS TO RETURN ANY ITEM THEY HAVE IN STORE, or have had in the past 6 months. SO.........The Urban Legend IS!!! When the first Nordstrom was built it was a tire store before. Some Corn-Bucket brought his tire back to THAT store and was too stupid to notice all the FAB-O clothes and tried to get a refund for his TIRE...The Manager did it, and ever since then, they don't hassle you about returns. Can you return a TIRE? I dont know, never tried...but once apon a time, before I had a child, I had a lil money to spend on silly things, and I bought my friend a pair of Chanel Glasses, and her whore ass returned them and got the cash...yep-sho did. The point WAS SHE RETURNED THEM TO NORDSTROM 2 years later. I bought them at Solstice (pr whatever the place is called).
Now, I would never ever go that far, that is stealing-BUT, I did buy a pair of Joe's Jeans around Christmas in Columbia at Belks. After Christmas I realized they were way too big, and I didnt see the ones I liked at Belks and couldnt find the receipt. Without any questions, or tags, Nordstrom exchanged them for the right pair, at the jeans counter, on the spot.
Chivalry might be dead, but customer service in the Fashion Industry IS NOT!

My second ATTEMPT at Scrapbooking!!!

My first I ripped up on accident because it was mostly based on a relationship, and I was immature at the time, and I've only gotten worse in some areas.
Yes, you heard it right..I am new to blogging,new to scrapbooking (as a hobby) and I feel like it! I don't know where to start. I don't know whether to wind my butt or scratch my watch.This isn't brain surgery, or even as hard as your tax's or counting money.I need ideas. I need a direction. I need to an order and organazation, or is that the beauty in it?
Oh,well. I had a photo album put together for Andrea, and I am thinking about making this one into a "current" themed book, then going back into her photo album and making a "baby" themed book.
If only the douchebag would give me all of my pics from my pregnancy. :( Now, now Jade-stay nice!

So any ideas? Any pointers or tips? Do I have any readers?Hello, Hello-o-o-o-o-.Anyone out there-er-er-er-er? Prob. not since I can not get that "adult content" page to come off. Oh, well. God bless you if you do read, and I hope not to dissapoint :D

TIN ROOF!!!!!!!!!! RUSTY

Andrea's father and grandmother are from Mars, or Venus or Mercury..I don't really know, but definitely not from this planet.
I usually don't speak to her father. He is IGNORANT, so I chose to speak to his mother, at least she can "fake" nice and human for short periods of time.
So, since Andrea's father doesn't speak for himself,and his Mommy and I were talking about pick up time (I let her stay a day w Gma for the holiday,since Martin Luther King Day is a holiday to everyone accept my racist company (jk)) and I mentioned that I needed $70 for Andrea's Dance. I said it in a nice,almost sheepish voice(not like me, but towards them I am not myself) and she said "We'll need to see receipts". I need $35 for half of the MONTHLY expense for her dance, and $35 for half of her costume for the recital. That makes $70,biatch.(accept I didnt say the last part) She told me "I didn't call for this, you can talk to ----" (Andrea's father). Really? When? Because when I call, he doesn't pick up,and when we do talk he is rude and illogical.
I could go on and on for days about why he is no person to point a finger and be "holier than thou" to anyone, but I will start by saying that....
*HE is 30, just got married after having a few women pregnant (all who have ???miscarriages???)and every girl he meets becomes a live in girlfriend )Jessica,Tonya,Nicole,Jennifer,Shannon,Mia, and "wifey" since Andrea was born.
*He lives in a trailer (nothing wrong with that unless a storm hits)that his mother paid for, and just now is taking care of his electricity bill.
*He has no ambition,I don't even KNOW what he does for a living, but I promise you it's in the line of carwashing or oil changes...which would be fine-IF HE WANTED TO MOVE UP, OR OUT!!!!
*He told me that he thinks if Andrea were to ever see a therapist...that would turn her into a retard! (really, is that what happened to you?)
*His mom lives behind him and his girlfriend has no job (shes a model???) and a child of her own.
*He quit his job when I told him I was taking him to court for child support
(he warned that he would do this, but I never believed him. He didnt think that would work did he?)
*He paid for a lawyer to take custody of my daughter when I took him to court for child support ( if I was a bad mother, dont you think you should have tried to take her 4 years earlier...no, its about the $$$$)
* He gave me $200 a month for the first four years of her life, no complaining then about my parenting...but once the judge in my county threw TRIPLE THAT AT YOUR" UNemployed ASS" you became concerned.(at least he gave ussomething)
..ugh I could go on and on, but I'll stop.
I probably wouldnt be so frustrated if it werent in the court docs that he has to pay me, and I could get in touch with the Dance Instructor/Owner for recipets! AHHHH


And what does it say about me, to judge him and if he is such a loser, what does it say about me to have dated him. We are so different, but something had to be there at one time, right? HE was cute and had a nice car...at 18,that's all that matters. No one is ALL bad. I just needed to vent.

DEAR LORD,
PLEASE HELP ME TO BE PATIENT AND LOVING WITH THOSE AROUND ME. PLEASE HELP ME TO NOT ANGER EASILY AND TO BE GOOD EXAMPLE TO MY DAUGHTER, THAT EVEN WHEN WE ARE TESTED, THAT WE LOVE OUR ENEMIES. DEAR LORD, I PRAY THAT YOU LET ME SEE WITH YOUR EYES AND TO FEEL WITH YOUR HEART AND THAT ANY HARSH FEELINGS THAT I HAVE FOR THESE PEOPLE,SHED AWAY.
THANK YOU FOR THEM LORD, BECAUSE WITHOUT THEM,THERE WOULD BE NO ANDREA,AND I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH.THANK YOU LORD,FOR ANY TIME THAT I AM TESTED, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU,MY TEACHER AND MY FATHER, HAS A LESSON IN STORE FOR ME TO BECOME A WISE WOMAN.MOTHER,FRIEND,AND SISTER IN JESUS.
GOD BLESS US ALL RIGHT NOW.
IN THE NAME OF THE LORD CHRIST JESUS I PRAY,
AMEN
Am I one person or two???hmmmmm

First WRITTEN word

My daughter wrote this a few days over a year ago. This was her first written word. FREE
She didn't know what she wrote or why she wrote it, to her it was just play. Of coarse me being me, and me being a mother, (probably more of the "me being me" part) I read into it. "free". Does she want to be "free" of me? ha ha-no way. I know she likes to get "free" things bc whenever someone gives her money, she wants me to spend mine instead. But maybe it means something more. Maybe one day I will see. Until then...I just had to show everyone, my daughters first written word.

Are You a Dripping Faucet, or Squeeling Breaks?

I've heard it mentioned in the Bible that a "nagging wife is like a dripping faucet". I don't remember if these were exact words, but I know it was something to that degree. A dripping faucet is annoying, I must agree...but is it not an indicator that something is wrong? It is both annoying, yet and indication that something is wrong (faucets aren't supposed to leak) but it also represents something else. When your faucet is dripping, and you are waiting for the plumber to fix it, or it is dripping in the middle of the night while you are tired and have your mind set on something else, you try to tune it out. You know that there is something not quite right, but for the time being, doing whatever you are doing is more important, or easier to obtain than that dealing with that dripping faucet, so you ignore it. Ignore it until it fades away, till you have gotten used to it and can tune it out.While this action makes you maybe apathetic, or lazy, it does not make you a bad person....and the faucet is just a nagging indicator that you should get off your lazy ass and work on it....but either way, no one wants to hear torturous drips.If you actually listen, it can make you go crazy.A few weeks ago my brakes started squealing at me, I noticed it, but put off fixing "whatever was wrong with them" (I know nothing about cars,accept that I had my brake pads changed a year ago) until after Christmas. It might be $70, and I'd rather pay that after Christmas. Then as I was driving to work one day, this high pitched squeal soon became a mean and angry grind, with more force and more power than the high pitched yet short squeal...then as I was pulling out of the Starbucks parking lot, with a thud, as if to have just given up and been completely defeated, my brake pad fell out of my car, and my brakes no longer worked AT ALL! When I called around, everyone seemed to say the same thing, "if you only would have listened when it was squealing at you, this would be so much cheaper". "If I only would have listened when it was squealing"!!!...hmmmmm-this got me thinking. ( a great friend and her great brother in law helped me tremendously with the brakes-God bless them)I relate more to the squealing brakes than I do the dripping faucet. When something is wrong, I AM LOUD AND I AM GOING TO BE HEARD, I PUT ALL OF MY ENERGY INTO MAKING IT KNOWN,I do not have the patience to drip at the same pace quietly....I first complain, then I yell, then I give up, and with a feeling of defeat,I give up and am done. No little quick fixes here and there to change things back to the way they were, like brakes pads would have done weeks ago for the brakes, now it is more expensive. No hugs are going to bandage these feelings, talking about the future or a kiss on the forehead wont repair what the problem is. When you don't change your break pads fast enough, it can wear out your rotors, then if let go long enough, your calibers have to be replaced too and this gets pricey. So does neglecting the maintenance of our relationship, and I think sometimes it would be cheaper for you just to buy a new car.At this point I could become too much work, and I have given up on calling for help or believing things will get done.